Fight of Her Life
by BellasMommy
Summary: Bella's father is an abusive drunk. She finds an escape in a bad way. Who will save her from her father, and herself? OOC, cannon pairings, AU-Human.
1. Afriad

Chapter One-Afraid

Chapter Song: Only-Nine Inch Nails

I woke up to a hazy glow coming through my bedroom window. Today was my first day of school in our new town, Forks, Washington. Charlie and I just moved here this week after Renee had left. I was allowed to spend a few days unpacking and adjusting, so I didn't have to start school until Wednesday, which unfortunatly, is today.

Renee was the lucky one. She got out. She got out, and left me here to rot. I resent her for not taking me with her. I will never understand what I did to my mother that was so bad it would cause her to leave me and save herself. It was as if I was the criminal, and not one of the victims. I don't know how she could leave her only daughter in this chaos and all out hell. She knows what goes on here, she's been a witness, and also played in the act as well. She knew what she was leaving me to suffer in, and she didn't care. She left without a goodbye. Without a second thought for her 'baby'. What kind of mother was she?

_Apparently not a mother at all._

I shook the dreaded thoughts from my head, in hopes of starting the day out good, and keeping it that way. I tried to not think of my mother at all. I didn't want grousome thoughts floating in my mind, causing me to be bitter to anyone who decided to speak to the new girl today.

I grab my toiletries and headed to the shower. As I got under the hot spray, I immediatly started to relax, and wonder what today would bring. I wasn't worried about making many friends. Having friends wasn't something I was accustomed to. Not that I didn't mind having friends, I had plenty of friends back home in Pheonix, but most were acquaintences. I had a best friend once. It was middle school, and her name was Emily. She was staying at my house for the first time, and we were both excited. However, I was very, very nervous. She didn't know the family I had. I remember her parents picking her up at two o'clock in the morning. She never spoke to me after that awful night.

I finished rinsing off my strawberry body wash and stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel around myself and my hair, then headed to my room to get clothes and everything ready for the day.

Charlie was still in bed. I could hear his snoring through the bed room wall. He'd be asleep all day until it was almost time for me to come home, I'm sure. He said he was going to look for a job today. Renee was always the one to 'bring home the bacon' so to speak. Charlie hasn't worked in years. I got a job at a diner down the road from our house, but never saw a single penny of my paychecks. He was our piggy bank, I suppose is how you could put it. Even though piggy banks, you _willingly _put your money into.

I grabbed a pair of dark wash jeans from my dresser, The Beatles band tshirt that was one of my favorite shirts, and my old converse sneakers. I wasn't one to dress to impress like most girls. I hardly even wore make-up. I always dressed for comfort, or my mood. Today, I was dressing to put myself in a good mood, I suppose. After throwing on my boy short panties and matching bra, I threw on my outfit, finished up with my hair, and was soon headed to the front door. I grabbed a blueberry poptart from the kitchen, and scarfed it down quickly with a glass of milk. We'd been here for a few days, so Charlie had me run to the store and get groceries yesterday. I finished my milk, and grabbed the keys to my truck.

Charlie and Renee got my truck a few months back. Sure, it was a junker, but I loved it. My little baby had potential. It was big, bulky, and suit me well. I wasn't ashamed of the sound it made either.

I turned the key and listened to the familiar engine roar like a lion, and headed down the road towards the school. After realizing I was late, I decided to hang out in my truck before going to the office to acquire my needed schedule, and other necessities. I grabbed my cigarette case and pulled one out and stuck it in my mouth, grabbing my zippo and flicking it to life. I inhaled deeply reeling in the sensation of my lungs feeling with the smoke, and closed my eyes while I exhaled, relaxing in the seat.

_Oh yes, this is definitely helping._

I pondered sniping the cigarette and smoking one of the joints in my case, but went against it. I didn't want to start my day off that way. Making a promise to myself to light it at lunch instead, I finished my cigarette and headed to the office.

There was a fairly 'fluffly' woman behing the dividing counter in the office who gave me a knowing smile.

"Isabella Swan?" she asked.

I nodded and she began shuffling papers on her unorganized desk. After finding what she needed, she came up to me and handed me a stack of papers, explaining my schedule, map, and locker information for me. I just nodded and let her praddle on about nothing I hadn't heard before.

With the way things were in our family, we moved quite a few times before landing in Pheonix. The first move was after the Emily incident. After that, I was suprised to stay in one place longer than a few months. Since Renee was gone, and this was my last year in school, I was failry sure we would be staying here a little longer. Hopefully I would make it to graduation.

The woman behind the desk, whose name was Mrs. Cope, gave me a knowing smile, and sent me on my way. Since class was almost over, I decided to find my locker and throw my belongings in there, besides a single notebook. What else would I need on my first day of school?

After finding my locker and disposing of my things, I looked at my schedule and went off to find my second class of the day, which was Spanish. I headed to the class when the bell rang, and was immediatly bombarded with people shoving past me in the tiny hallway, whispers, and curious looks. I don't think I've ever walked to class faster in my life.

When I walked in, there was a tiny girl about the size of Tinkerbell bouncing in her seat like a pinball machine's shiny silver ball. She was wearing a huge smiled and waved me over to the seat behind her. I was a little confused, but complied. She looked nice, and it would be a good thing if I made at least one friend, right?

As soon as I sat down, she started gushing. I probably looked like a deer in headlights.

"Hi, I'm Alice Brandon! Oh my gosh, it's so nice to meet you! You're Isabella Swan right? Of course you are, you're the only person in this school I've never seen before! So you have to be her! How are you liking Forks? This must be a big change from Pheonix! We are going to be such good friends! I can just tell!"

As soon as she stopped, she stared at me waiting for me to say something I suppose, but it took me a few minutes.

"Um, yeah, call me Bella please. I hate my full name. Forks seems okay, I guess, rainy and small, but okay," I replied.

"You have to hang out with me at lunch and meet my friends. Trust me, you do _not _want to hang out with anyone else," she said slower this time. I guess since we had met and introduced, sort of, she could calm down a little.

I was going to say sure, but then remembered the little promise I made myself and my little green friend. I didn't know how she would take to me smoking pot, so I tried to divert it.

"Um, actually, I was going to head to the parking lot at lunch. I know were not supposed to, but I need to do something, and-" she cut me off.

"Oh don't worry, that's where our gang hangs out. We wouldn't be caught dead in the cafeteria. No one is in the lot besides us, so it's cool to do whatever you want. _Whatever _you want," she said.

_How did she do that?_

"Um, sure," I said, a little confused, a little nervous, and a little happy that I'd sort of made a friend already. I was kind of intimidated by Alice, but I liked her. It just seemed like her to be the way she was. Like, she wouldn't be the same if she wasn't hyper and blunt.

A girl with frizzy hair sat down next to Alice and said "Hi! You must be new, I'm Jessica Sta-"

"Beat it bitch. She doesn't want to meet you, or your skanky friends. So back off," Alice interrupted her introduction.

I'm not sure, but I think this Jessica whatever girl knew not to mess with Alice, because she started stammering what sounded like an apology and got up out of her seat to move to the farthest seat from us.

_Oh yes. I really am going to like Alice._

She turned around and gave me an apologetic look.

"Don't give me that look. I should be kissing your feet right now. I think you just saved me from the worst conversation of my life," I said smiling. Hopefully she wouldn't think I'm weird by my little comment and forwardness. Thankfully, she didn't.

"Bella Swan, I think we are going to get along just fine."

Class started just then and went by pretty fast. Alice and I noticed Jessica looking back our way and once Alice gave her a murderous look, and I laughed. The next time she looked, I flipped her off. She look like a scared mouse who just saw their friend get trapped in the trap with the cheese.

I couldn't help but chuckle when Alice turned around and gave me a high five.

I know what your thinking, with my problems I have, you would expect me to be little miss perfect, trying to not make any mistakes so I wouldn't have any consiquences, but it's quite the opposite. I've tried the good girl act. It only made matters worse. Charlie would tell me I was just showing off, and thought I was smarter than him, which only made things blow up in my face. Since then, I've stupified my grades to mediocre, and have done anything, and everything I want. I don't cowar away all the time now. I've stood up to Charlie, which usually only makes things even worse than they originally would have been, but after it was all over, and I was in bed, I couldn't help but feel proud of myself for stnading my ground. Even if I was knocked down from my high horse, I still had that little ounce of self assurance in my head that told me I was strong, and I would make it through this mess. That things would work out one day, even if it meant having to wait until college to get away, it would happen, and I would be free.

In Pheonix I met a girl named Tanya, and she introduced me to drinking, partying, and smoking my problems away. I was more of a smoker than a drinker, but I mixed it up every now and then. Like this week, I would bring my smoke, and next week, I might decide to carry a flask. Having a flask on me was rare. I typically only had it after bad nights at home. I knew what I was doing. I was chasing my problems away with drugs and alcohol. I knew it as soon as I started doing it. But the ultimate release from the pain I felt, and the anger, the way everything just disappeared and I had no problems or worries, or fears of what I would come home to, it made everything worth it. Charlie had caught me coming home drunk or high in the middle of the night, and we would always fight about it, but after a while, I learned to be smarter about things, and he hasn't caught me in the act for months.

The bell rang signaling lunch and I was snapped back to reality of Alice grabbing me out of my chair and wrapping her arm around mine, dragging me into the hall.

"So do you need to go to your locker?" she asked.

"No, I only need this all day, so I'll just keep it on me," I replied.

"Good, now let's go to our scape goat!" she chuckled pushing open the doors to the outside.

We walked to a huge Jeep and a silver Volvo where there was a boy with sandy blond hair standing. It must have been Alice's boyfriend, because as soon as they saw each other, they both broke into huge grins, Alice squeeled, released my arm, and jumped into his wrapping her legs around his waste. After a few minutes of standing there, they started attacking each others mouths, and I suddenly got very uncomfortable. I cleared my throat making Alice's eyes go wide and apologetic.

"Oh Bella I'm so sorry!" she started, "This is my soul mate, Jasper Whitlock. Jazz, this is Bella Swan!"

Wow, they have to be serious to introduce each other as _soul mate_. What happened to good ole boyfriend? Love of my life even, but soul mate? That was a new one on me.

I chuckled and gave a half wave and smile.

"Nice to meet you little lady," Jasper said with a very thick southern accent.

"You too. I'm just going to run to my truck really quick. I'll be right back," I said to Alice.

She shook her head and said "Bella, we're not goody two shoes here, whatever you plan on doing, you can do over here. It's just us, and the others will be out in a minute. We won't bother you."

These were definitely a group of people I could get use to. I smiled and nodded my head while heading to my truck hoping we were on the same page here.

I grabbed my Alice in Chains cigarette case that was holding my Malbouro's and a few joints I rolled the night before, snatched my zippo off the dash, and headed back to where they were standing, now joined with three other people. I was suddenly very nervous. Sure, Alice liked me, and it seemed as though Jasper did as well, but what if the others didn't approve? Would they quit talking to me?

_Oh well, time to find out._

I walked back to where they were hanging out, and was immediatly hit with the smell of marijuana. I was just lady luck today.

A big burly guy with dark curly hair saw me and widened his eyes. Suddenly he went into a coughing fit and tried to hide a lit joint behind his back.

I smiled and pulled one out of my cigarette case, holding it up with my hands in mock surrender.

"I come in peice," I said still smiling as he just smiled and nodded his head, bringing the rolled paper back in front of him.

"Bella, this is Rosalie Hale, Emmett McCarty, and Edward Cullen," Alice said gesturing to each person.

I nodded my head and looked at each of them one at a time. The girl known as Rosalie looked like the reincarnation of Aphrodite. She was that beautiful. She had wavy blond hair that went all the way down her back, a curvacious body that any woman would pay any amounts of plastic surgen to replicate, and a beautiful face that was currently holding a slight smirk. I winced when I realized how beautiful she really was. Even holding an odd look on her face. She looked like she could snap my head off at any moment. Even still, I had a strange feeling we were going to get along.

I looked to my left, and was met with the ogre man again. I pressumed he was Emmett. His name just seemed to fit him. He didn't look like an Edward, but maybe I was wrong. I'll just bite my tongue for now I guess.

'Emmett' was huge. The gigantic Jeep had to be his. He was burly with muscles that looked as though he could be a body builder. He looked scary as hell, but as soon as my eyes pulled away from his huge frame and met his face, it broke out into a huge cheeky smile that reveiled a deep set of dimples, making him look much less scary. I couldn't help but smile back, it was contagious.

He waved and said "Hi Bella! I'm Emmett! This sweet little peice beside me is obviously Rosalie."

His voice was as loud, matching his body. He grabbed Rosalie in a big hug and swung her around in a cirlce while she screamed at him, and she started smacking his head.

"Put me down you big oaf!"

I started to chuckled when I heard the most beautiful sound I had heard all day farther to my left. I turned to the noise and was met with the most beautiful set of green eyes I have ever seen. Which were currently glazed over and a little blood shot. They were like bright emeralds shinning in the sun, but they seem to sparkle on their own accord. After I stopped staring into his eyes (akward much?) I noticed his wild disarray of hair. It was a copper color, but more brownish than red. His hair was wild. It went everywhere, in every direction, and it was obviously intentional.

_Sex hair._

I wasn't very experienced in that department, but that is the only way to desrcibe the wonderful mess on his crown.

I looked down his body and noticed he had an incredible build. He was sort of lanky, but not too skinny where he looked like an emo boy who wore his girlfriends jeans, but he was built. You could see his muscles through his gray tshirt which clung to him in the most delicious way, accentuating every curve of his broad shoulders, and his chiseled chest.

_I bet you could grate cheese on his stomach._

I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts. Charlie would flip if he ever saw me with a guy. It was bad enough with everything else I threw at him, I didn't want to know what the night would entail if I told him I had a boyfriend.

_Wait, what? Boyfriend? You haven't even spoken to each other yet!_

"Hey. I'm Edward."

_Well there, that settles that._

I looked at his face and noticed he was beautiful. Astonishingly beautiful. He had a chiseled jaw and perfect long nose, a face any male model would give anything to have.

I suddenly remembered he spoke to me and was waiting for my reply.

"Um, hi. Bella. Bella Swan," oh God, I sound like James Bond.

He must have noticed it too, because he chuckled while grabbing the joint from Emmett's claw of a hand.

I remembered the one I had in my hand and lit it quickly, needing the relaxing toxins in my body.

As soon as I inhaled, I was immediatly relaxed. I could hold a conversation now.

"So you guys know how to have a good time around here at least," I said hitting my joint again. My entire body started to lighten and I could tell a goofy grin was going to be plastered on my face in a matter of a few hits.

"Nothing else to do in this bodunk town," Jasper drawled from behind Alice's face that was only inches from his.

"It's either smoke, drink, or shoot yourself from boredum," Rosalie said speaking for the first time.

"It looks like she made the right decision," Edward said winking at me.

Emmett got the joint back after their roation and put it out on the ground, then gave Edward to end to put in a cigarette pack.

I looked around and reached out the joint I was holding to Jasper and Alice who gave me a questioning look, but Jasper just nodded and took it, hitting it immediatly.

"Right on," he said handing it to Alice.

"Well, I approve of you. Most people are stingy. Take Tyler Crowly for example. Never let that kid know you have green on you. It won't be there for long," Rosalie said smiling my way. She was mirroring my goofy grin, which made me smile more.

"Yeah, remember when Emmett had a dime on him, and Tyler saw it in his pocket and tried to convince him he was having back spasms, and tried to pretend to be in pain, but looked like he was having a seizure?" Edward said, making everyone break into hysterics and nod.

"He was in real pain when he left the gym," Emmett added still chuckling, taking my joint from Rosalie.

I looked at Edward still smiling, and noticed he was looking at me. He had a cigarette in his hand, and was looking very curious. Emmett handed him the rolled paper, and Edward looked away finally. I was suddenly in need of my own cigarette.

I lit my own cigarette and saw Edward's hand appear under my gaze with my joint in hand.

"No, you guys can have it," I said shaking my head.

He rolled his eyes and pushed back under my gaze, "group rules, if you start the dubee, you finish the dubee."

I chuckled and glanced around to see everyone nodding their heads in agreement. Or was it approval? He did say group rules. Did that mean I was accepted in their group? Maybe it was both.

I smiled and grabbed the smoke with my free hand and took a few puffs before sniping it on the ground by my feet.

I noticed Edward giving me that look again, and handed the end I sniped out to him.

"Add it to the collection," I said.

He shrugged and took the bit from my fingers. When he did, an electric jolt shot through his hand and into mine, causing me to jump. Luckily, he juggled the snipe and caught it after a few tries.

I looked at him apologetically and he just looked at me like he was very confused.

I shrugged it off and finished my cigarette while everyone talked amongst themselves. Except me and Edward of course. He kept giving me that curious look and I started getting very nervous. I figited for a while, and was exstatic when the bell rang. I let out a final huff of smoke and turned to walk to the school. The cigarette helped inhance my buzz, so after taking most of a joint to the head, I was feeling pretty good.

"I'll see you guys later," I said.

Alice was quick though. She let go of Jasper, and ran up to me grabbing my arm in hers.

"Hey, we all go to my house and hang out after school. You want to come?" she asked.

I didn't think twice before I agreed.

She squeeled and started bouncing up and down clapping her hands in excitement.

"Okay! Meet us out here after school. Okay?"

I nodded and headed into the doors to get to my next class. Reality came back to me when the bright florescent lights came shinning down on me making me squint and try to block the brightness with my hand. If someone saw me cringing away from a small watted bulb, they'd think I needed to go to the eye doctor. That or I was a vampire. I chuckled at the thought of wearing a black cape and hiding behind it while hissing at the oh-so-offending lights.

I would have to call Charlie from my cell phone before class. I didn't know how he would take to me making friends, or me wanting to go to their home after school. Hopefully he wouldn't detect the laziness in my voice from my previous activities.

I went to the bathroom to whip out my cell phone. and dialed our new house number I programmed in my contacts, and waited for him to pick up. He may be up, by now, but who knows.

"Hello?" he sounded groggy, but he answered none the less.

"Hey dad it's Bella."

"Shouldn't you be in class young lady?"

Great, I've ticked him off already. Nice job Bella.

"Um, it's lunch actually."

"Oh." was his only reply.

"So dad, I made a few friends today, and they want me to come to their house after school to hang out. Is that okay? I can be home at a decent time, and there's left overs in the fridge.." I trailed off suddenly afraid of his answer.

"I don't know Bella. Do you think you can behave yourself for a few hours? I don't want you embarrassing youself. Try not to talk to much, or they'll realize how low your IQ is, and they may not want to be your friend anymore," he chuckled.

Smartass. He thought it was hilarious, I on the other hand, did not. Charlie loved putting me down, and deflating the little self-esteem I had. I always thought he tried to push me down to make seem as though he was better than me. He would never acheive that however. A father who constantly drags his daughter down by telling her how worthless and stupid she is, is definitely high on anyones good list.

I had to take a few deep breathes so I wouldn't lash out on him, remembering what I wanted out of this conversation.

"I won't dad. So can I go?"

"Sure Bella. Go ahead. But remember no one is allowed to step foot in this house. Keep that in mind while your making your little friends. Remeber what I told you about friends Bella."

"Yes, dad. Thanks, I gotta get to class. I'll talk to you later."

He gave me a grunt and hung up. Our conversations were always easier if I just let him say what he wanted and took it with my chin held high.

Charlie always told me there was no such thing as friends. That the only people you could trust is your family. All friends do is stab you in the back, and ruin your life. I don't know what he thought our family was, but it definitely wasn't one you could trust. In my opinion, the idea he had for friends and family should be reversed.

I shoved my phone back in my purse and headed to Biology.

When I walked in the door, I thought I was going to have a heartattack. There, in the back row, was an unruly head of brownish-reddish hair. He hadn't noticed me yet, since his head was down and looked to have ear buds in his ears. I let out a sigh of relief and noticed several heads turn my way.

I quickly went to the teacher and told him who I was. He seemed lost in looking for something on his desk, and told me to take a seat. I surveyed the class looking for an empty table, but came up short. There was a boy with blond hair who looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head while he was staring at me. Ew. Luckily, he already had a lab partner. I kept looking and saw a girl with light brown hair looking at Edward trying to get his attention. Then I took notice of something horrible.

Edward's table was the only one with an open spot.

This was bad. I already knew I was attracted to him, just by looking at him. I mean, what girl wouldn't be? He was gorgeous. But I knew things couldn't go anywhere with him. We could be friends, and I would have to keep my hormones in check.

I walked to the table in the very back corner of the room and set my books down beside him, then sat down. I guess he didn't notice my arrival because he didn't budge.

When Mr. Banner called the class to order, Edward sighed a heavy sigh and lifted his head up. He noticed me sitting there, and suddenly looked like the blond boy sitting a few rows up.

I chuckled at his face, and he pulled his ear buds out of his ears and composed himself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you sit down," he said smiling the most breath taking crooked grin in the entire world.

"It's okay. It's not like I tried to get your attention. You seemed pretty engrossed in your music," I replied. "What are you listening to?"

"Nine Inch Nails. Their new song Only. Have you heard it? Good stoner music," he chuckled. We we're going to get along just fine.

"Definitely. Big fan of NIN."

He nodded his head and said "Cool."

"So you coming to Alice's after school?" he asked after several minutes of silence.

"Yeah. I have a few more rolls in my case, and I don't mind sharing."

He smiled and started talking again.

"They like you you know. Even Rosalie. She never likes anyone she doesn't talk to. Emmett likes everyone, but he likes you too."

"Good to know. I was hoping I wouldn't have to worry about being ambushed at Alice's," I chuckled.

He laughed with me and started giving me that curious glance again.

This time, I had to ask. "What?"

"Hm?" he said, like I broke him from a deep though, "oh, nothing."

I shrugged my shoulders and sat back in my seat relaxing in my high after lunch.

Edward shoved a paper my way and I saw a criss cross board drawn on it.

I looked at him and raised my eyebrows giving him a questioning look.

"Haven't you ever played tic tac toe? Come on Swan, you can't be that far behind," he joked.

"Oh very funny Cullen. You are about to get your ass handed to you," I challenged.

He gestured to the paper telling me to start.

Ten games of tic tac toe later, I was winning 7-3 when the bell rang. I laughed and was rubbing my victory in his face when I noticed the girl from the beginning of class giving me the stink eye. I eyed her up and down returning the look before turning back to Edward.

_Jealous much?_

He tried to take the paper we were playing on away, but I snatched it before he crumpled it up.

"Uh uh Cullen. I have to show off my butt kicking to everyone else," I smirked.

"Oh great. Now they'll have something new to ridicule me with," he tried to feign being hurt, but wasn't doing a very good job. We walked out the door and he told me his next class, while I said I had gym. He smiled and wished me luck.

_What did that mean? Sure, I was clumsy, but he didn't know that._

I shrugged it off as a good guess and headed to gym. After changing and going to the bleachers to wait for class to start, I saw the boy with blond hair from Biology start to approach me.

Now I get why he wished me luck. This guy has to be Tyler. I'm sure any smart person could tell I was a little buzzed still. I kept clicking my tongue trying to get rid of my cotton mouth. That was the only down side to smoking.

"Hey there. I'm Mike Newton. We have Biology together. Too bad I had a lab partner, I would have taken you under my wing in no time," the blond guy said when he met the bleachers.

Very subtle Mike.

"Um, okay?" I said, making it sound like a question.

"So, Bella," he winked, obviously proud that he knew my name, but in a town this small, everyone probably knew every time you used the bathroom, "did it hurt?"

_Oh, no. Please don't tell me he's one of _those _guys._

I gave him a confused, yet expected look, because I'm pretty sure I knew what was coming next.

"When you fell from heaven, angel," he winked again, but as much as he was doing it he ended up looking like he had a bad twitch.

_Oh Lord in heaven save me now!_

I didn't know what to say to that, so I stood up and said I was getting a drink.

Thankfully, he didn't follow.

All through gym, Mike kept trying to find ways to talk to me, which usually ended in him getting smacked in the face with a volley ball. His voice was so annoying I was forever greatful he never got the chance to talk to me before class was out. He talked like one of those kids who had a mouth full of spit, and saliva would collect in the corner of his mouth, and turn white and crusty from being there too long, and get strung between his lips when he opened his mouth. I think I threw up a little just thinking about it.

I changed as fast as I could and rushed to the lot to avoid giving Mike the chance to catch up to me.

When I got to the parking lot, only Jasper was there. I said hey and reached for a cigarette and lit it as fast as I could, looking over my shoulder constantly, just waiting for Mike to approach me.

Just then, everyone else came walking up to Jasper and I, while Jasper was trying not to smile, and I was looking frantic.

Edward immediatly broke out into guffaws. We all looked at him quizzically, until Jasper spoke in whispers filling everyone but me in to why he was hunched over laughing so hard.

I started sucking on me cigarette harder drawing more smoke from the end, getting worried when they all joined Edward in his laughter. I was now completely sober and was scolding myself for that fact.

"Don't worry Bella," Edward said after calming down to light chuckles, "he's not coming over here."

I gave him a confused look so Emmett filled me in on the rest.

"Mike has tried to get with Alice and Rosalie for years. Let's just say, he hasn't for a very long time since he got smacked around by me and Jazz a few times each."

I must have looked relieved because they all started laughing again.

"Now he's after you," Alice chimed in, sounding worried, yet enjoying the hilarity of the situation I suppose.

"Oh don't worry, Eddie will take care of you, won't you Ed?" Emmett said.

Edward looked at him in a look of pure shock, which caused everyone, even me, to break out into even more laughter.

We all piled into their cars, me, Alice, and Rosalie in Rosalie's BMW, and the guys in Emmett's Jeep.

"What about my truck?" I asked.

"I'll drive you to get it before you go home," Rosalie said.

I nodded and sat back in my seat.

As soon as we left the parking lot, Rosalie pulled out a cigar full of the good stuff, and lit it, while Alice pulled out a flask, took a swig, and handed it to me.

I was really going to like Forks.

Now to learn how to keep all this from Charlie. Tonight was going to be a good night, which meant it was going to be extra hard to walk in the house undetected.

Oh well. I tipped back the flask, and swallowed all my problems with the alcohol. I would worry about them when the time came to do so.


	2. Death Row

_Okay, so here's chapter two! Let me know it I have any mistakes or anything. Hope you enjoy!_

_I own nothing, but we know that (;_

Chapter 2-Death Row

Chapter Song: Face Down-Red Jump Suit Apparatus

The entire way to Alice's house, we smoked on the cigar, passing it between us. Okay, so here's the deal, yeah, I'll admit, I smoke a lot of pot, but usually it's just enough to get me a good little buzz. I've only smoked out of a cigar a few times at parties back in Phoenix with Tanya, and I was drunk already, so I would pass out before feeling the entire affect of the THC. Now I was completely sober.

I was past the high where you sit around and giggle, no, I left that back in the parking lot at school.

Now, my eyes were so red and shot that I could barely see through the tiny slits. I was wearing my goofy grin again, but this one had to be reaching to both ears, that's how good I felt. I wasn't worried about Charlie, or Renee, or anything else that could bring me down. I was just Bella, hanging out with her friends.

I was leaning my head back in the seat to look out the back glass when the car came to a stop. It took me at least twelve tries to finally get my head to lift off of the cushioned upholstery. Rosalie and Alice were standing outside the car waiting for me laughing at my failed attempts to lift my sand filled head.

"Shut up," I said trying to hide my giggles.

When I got out, I saw they were just as blazed as I was. That was a relief. I heard more car doors and saw the guys had arrived as well, unfortunately, they all looked completely sober.

I noticed Edward giving me a strange look, then broke out into a huge grin. "Well it looks like you guys had a good car ride."

We all nodded and headed for the door to Alice's house.

I didn't have any clue what the outside looked like, I was too focused on my feet, trying to put one foot in front of the other so I wouldn't fall on my face walking up the steps.

I must have been in a very, very deep concentration, because when I reached the top step, I let out a huge sigh of relief that I didn't fall, and looked up to see every pair of eyes trained on me.

"What?" I asked innocently.

They all looked at each other before bursting out into the biggest fit of laughter I've heard from them so far. They were all either hunched over, or leaning on someone for support, wiping tears from their eyes.

I couldn't help but join in with their laughter, but I knew once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. I hadn't felt this carefree in months.

_Months? Try years._

I honestly couldn't remember when I've felt this good.

"You looked so deep in thought walking up the stairs Bella," Emmett exclaimed, "I swear, you looked like you were trying to figure out the square root of pie."

"Yeah, it's only walking. Don't hurt yourself," Alice chided.

"Bite me," I said, pushing past them to join Rosalie waiting by the open door.

I stumbled around for a few rooms before I finally found a cozy looking couch to relax on. I was just sitting there, staring at the empty space with my goofy grin when everyone else filtered into the room.

Alice asked me how I found the living room, and I just shrugged and told her I just stumbled upon it. Everyone seemed to think I was kidding, but I wasn't. I did say I stumbled through a few rooms didn't I?

Rosalie flopped on the love seat across from me, while Edward took the recliner next to her couch, and Alice and Jasper joined me on the couch I was holding down. Emmett crouched down in front of a gigantic DVD collection.

"What do you guys want to watch?" he asked.

"I don't care. I probably can't focus on it anyways," I mumbled. I was now in the mode where I sat back and kept to myself, just spaced out and enjoyed the easy going conversations around me, but not joining in.

"Let's watch 'Dazed and Confused' I haven't seen that in a while," Jasper added.

Emmett nodded and grabbed the DVD before standing up and popping it into the player that was sitting below a flat screen TV. He pushed play and sat next to Rosalie on the love seat.

I started wondering what my mother was up to. Where she was, what she was doing, and who she was with. I know what she left me with, as did she, and I know the resentment I held for her, but for some unknown reason, I felt sorry for her. She had nothing now. Her parents and other family shunned her for good after Charlie refused to let her visit them, or for them to visit us. They knew what was going on, and after numerous accounts of my mother telling them to leave her alone and mind their own business, they did. She hadn't heard from them in almost eight years. She didn't have any friends either. Charlie wouldn't let her out of his sights other than going to work. She tried going out for dinner one night with some girlfriends from work, and Charlie swore she was having an affair. He went crazy and had another rampage. At the time, I was too young for the fists of fury, so he settled on words of hurt, and a few smacks here and there. I think the smacks hurt worse. They stung and would leave a handprint on your face for a reminder. Charlie always said that was the point, for you to be reminded how bad you've been.

I was started to get a little down in the dumps, so I decided to come back down from the clouds, and converse, maybe get in a little better mood before everyone decided against befriending me.

"Hey Alice, do you have anything to drink?" I asked. I wasn't sure how they felt about drinking, but they seemed to encourage it.

"Sure Bella. We have soda and stuff, but if you want something stronger, there's a bar in the den."

It's like she could read my mind.

"I'll show you where it's at," Edward said suddenly, getting off the recliner.

I nodded and followed him into another room. I didn't want to get up. My body was relaxed and I wasn't looking forward to moving any time soon.

We got to a little bar in the corner of the room and he ducked behind it and set a few glasses on the bar.

"What's your poison?" he asked.

"I don't care, but Jack if you have it. No Southern Comfort though," I replied. I was a little nervous even through my hazy comfort. Edward was nice, but boys weren't allowed in my life. Not even as 'an acquaintance'. I would have to watch myself around him.

"Here," he said, handing me Jack and coke.

I took it and started gulping greedily, welcoming the comforting burn, thoughts from earlier still floating in my mind. I didn't like thinking about my family. There weren't any good memories held in my head besides ones from when I was a toddler and too little to understand that mommy and daddy weren't playing a game.

"Slow down killer. You have to drive home," Edward said, giving me a little worried look.

"I'll be fine. I can drive under any circumstances. Besides, I only live a few miles from the school," I answered, finishing my cup and handing it back to him for a refill.

He looked a little conflicted, but filled the glass again. He handed it to me and we headed back to the living room.

I didn't like the fact that this was the first day of us being friends, and I was already blown out of my mind, and was now drinking, but this wasn't abnormal for me, and they needed to know who I really was so they could decide if they wanted to be my friend or not.

I sat back down beside her while Edward returned to the recliner, giving me a wary look. I ignored him, because I'm sure he was looking at me that way due to my drink of choice.

_Looks like someone doesn't like me already. Whatever._

I shrugged in nonchalance and decided to relax a little.

"So Bella, where did you live before Forks?" Alice asked beside me.

"Phoenix," I stated simply.

"Why did you move here?" Edward asked, looking aggravated.

"Oh, Edward, I moved here because I knew you would be here and decided I had nothing better to do with my life than annoy you to no ends," I replied curtly, while earning chuckles from around the room.

Edward didn't look please, but he also looked a little shocked. Thankfully, my phone rang interrupting our little stare down.

Uh oh… Charlie.

"Um, hello?" I answered, more than a little afraid of this conversation and the fact that a sounded more than unstable.

"Bella! What the hell are you doing! You sound drunk! Are you drinking?!" he yelled.

Charlie knew I drank, he caught me stumbling in the house on more than one occasion in Phoenix, but he made it clear that it was not to be done again.

"No, dad, I'm not," I tried to sound sober, but I'm not sure if it came out right.

I was earning a lot of anxious looks from around the room, so I got up and stumbled my way to an adjoining room, hitting the door frame on my way.

"Isabella Marie Swan you are lying to me and I know it! You get your ass home right this minute young lady!"

Yep, Charlie was drunk again and needed to pick a fight. Even if he thought I was fucked up, which was right in this case, he would make it clear that if he wanted to have a rampage, nothing stood in his way.

"Okay. I'm on my way."

I hung up and went back to the couch, throwing my phone in my purse. Edward was supposed to take me to my car, but after our little for-no-good-reason spat, there was no way I wanted him to take me.

"Alice, do you think you could take me to my truck?" I asked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward roll his head along with his eyes, and scoff.

Alice shot him a death glare and agreed.

I gathered my things and headed for the door.

"Bella, are you okay? You look a little sick," she asked as she drove down the path.

"I'm fine, really."

Truth was I was scared shitless. Charlie was home, drunk, waiting for me, while I smelled of alcohol and weed. Tonight was not going to be a good night. I couldn't tell Alice what was going on, so I just brushed it off as the anxiety of first day jitters finally getting to me.

And what the hell was Edwards's problem? He seemed fine at school, in biology and everything. Then suddenly I'm the bad guy? The fuck?

Alice gave me a look that said 'I know better' but didn't comment as she pulled into the school parking lot, holding only mine and Edward's vehicles. I took my time getting out the car, not looking forward to the rest of night. It was only after 7 which gave Charlie plenty of time to rant and rave all he wanted before sending me crawling to bed while I cried on the floor, usually with an ice pack in tow. I was trying to think the worst though, so maybe things wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he just wanted to yell tonight. I could only hope.

"Bye, Alice, thanks for today, I had a lot of fun." I got out of the car and started to shut the door.

"Bella," Alice gave me a questioning look, "are you sure you're okay?"

She looked…worried?

I nodded

"Okay, but Bella, I consider you my friend now. Be careful. If you need a ride home, I can take you."

"No, I'm fine Alice. Really," I said, and shut the door before she could ask anything else.

I stumbled over to my truck, and suddenly realized I really was out of it. I stuck the key in the ignition and heard it roar to life. My vision was hazy, and my head was starting to spin. I loved driving when I was high, everything felt so easy and care free. I could space out and just drive, never going over the line or speed limit. It was like I was extra careful and didn't even know it.

Now I was a little buzzed from the alcohol as well, and driving was going to be a little more difficult.

I pulled out of the lot and realized Alice was following me. For that, I was grateful.

Other than driving a little curvy, I made it home in one piece. I waved as Alice drove by in her yellow Porsche and turned to the house.

The living room light was the only one on. I trudged up the porch and stumbled a bit before making it through the door. I felt like I was on death row, and this was my final walk.

Charlie was sitting in his chair with beer bottles scattered all over the coffee table, side table, floor, and his hand. He didn't look pleased, but he did look very, very drunk.

"Bella, what the hell were you doing?" he slurred.

"Just hanging out watching a movie, dad. I was good," I lied.

He got out of his chair and tried to walk over to me but looked more like a cat with tape stuck to its paws.

He got in my face, sniffed, and then turned bright red. "You were drinking! And smoking! You lying piece of shit!"

With that, he reached his hand back, and smacked me with a forceful blow right across my left cheek. It hurt like hell, but I couldn't show pain or fear. It only fueled his fire.

"Lie to me again! Go ahead you worthless piece of trash! You're just like your mother! You've probably slept with half your school on the first day!"

_Smack, right cheek._

I reached my hand up to touch my face and felt the flames. My eyes were beginning to pool and I tried so hard to hold them back.

"I'm sorry dad," I said. What was I supposed to do? I could smell the Southern Comfort rolling of his every word, and it was making me dizzy. His tirade's usually lasted only for about a half hour, but they would always be the worst thirty minutes of my life every time.

"Sorry?! Sorry?! Who told you to apologize? If I want an apology I'll beat it out of you!"

The last thing I remembered was seeing Charlie draw back his fist, and lurch it towards my face.

A/N: Well?


	3. Ring Ring Who is it?

Okay, so here's the new chappie! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter Song – Linkin Park-Place for my head

The next morning I woke up in so much pain, I literally screamed. I felt like my whole body had been hit by a truck. Twice.

I got up and saw the clock read nine a.m. I didn't set my alarm last night. There was no point. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to school today.

I grabbed a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt and headed to the bathroom to shower. I risked a look in the mirror and winced, making me hurt even more. I was right; I had a pretty good shiner on my left eye, and my lip was busted with dry blood on my chin. Thankfully, it was Friday and I had all weekend to clear up before I had to go back to school. I couldn't afford missing. I'd only been there one day so far. I should be able to cover up what's left by Monday.

I took a quick shower and got dressed before heading down stairs to get something to eat. Charlie wasn't home; he usually spent his weekends in a tent by the river with a tackle box, fishing pole, and a few bottles of Southern Comfort.

He didn't look for a job yesterday. He just signed up for unemployment. As long as the bills were paid, I didn't care what he did. I considered getting a job as well, but I tried that once. Charlie took all my money and spent the better of it on booze, causing his rampages to double. I learned my mistake quickly.

I grabbed a pop tart from the cabinet and a glass of milk. I ate a little slow, regarding the fact that I had nothing to do all weekend and couldn't go anywhere, and my lip was still hurting.

I took a few Tylenol and lied on the couch with a blanket to try and sleep the weekend away.

_I woke up and screamed._

_I was four and had had a nightmare. I don't know what it was about._

_Charlie burst in the door and pulled me onto his lap. He began rocking me while rubbing my head._

"_Shh. I love you little girl," he said, "put your bad dreams away. Daddy's here."_

I woke up with tears in my eyes. I hated having that dream. It seems as though every time Charlie hit me, I'd dream that same dream. That was how things use to be when Charlie was still daddy. Daddy took care of his little girl. He loved her with everything he had.

Then one day, everything changed. Daddy caught mommy emailing an old boyfriend from high school. Daddy turned into a jealous green monster and hit mommy for the first time. He said she needed to learn who she belonged to. Daddy found comfort in a bottle called 'Southern Comfort'. That was the day daddy became dad.

Further down the road, dad always found comfort in his Southern. He began 'showing my mother who she belonged to' very frequently. When I was twelve, I came home from the library early, and caught him in the act. That was the day I figured it all out; the late night screams, the constant hospital visits, Renee always wearing long sleeves and pants in the summer to cover bruises. That was the day all the pieces came together. That was the day dad became Charlie, and I learned to hide my hurt.

The next day I met Tanya. She introduced me to her friends, tobacco, weed, and alcohol. We all became fast friends.

I sat up on the couch and clutched my knees to my chest trying to hold myself together. I've seen terrible things in my life. I've seen things that should only be in R rated movies.

Watching your mother bleed over everything in a ten foot radius isn't something that can be forgotten so easily- especially when the cause of the blood is by someone who once loved and adored her.

My phone ringing brought me out of my reverie.

Uh oh. It was Alice. I debated not answering but then she might show up here.

"Hello?"

"Bella! Oh thank God! Are you okay? Why weren't you at school today!? We've been so worried about you all day!" she exclaimed.

I sighed. "Calm down, Alice. I'm okay; I just wasn't feeling well this morning." That was an understatement.

"Bella, are you okay? Really? You looked really upset last night. Almost scared even."

I didn't really know how to respond to that. Back in Phoenix, Tanya knew what was going on, so I never had to hide my expressions. I was going to have to work on that, and fast.

"Yeah Alice, I was just worried about driving home. I love driving after just smoking, but not so much when I drink."

"Bella, why didn't you say something? I could've driven you home last night," she answered.

"It's okay Alice. I'm fine."

"Well, okay. Are you coming over tonight?"

_Shoot. I forgot about the little get together._

"I can't Alice. I'm sorry."

"But Bella," she whined, "you said you would come! I thought we were friends."

"I'm really sorry Alice, but I seriously can't go. I still don't feel well, and Charlie won't let me go anywhere."

"Can't you sneak out? We all want you to be there! You're new and you barely know who anyone is! We need to gossip and laugh at people who get drunk after one beer and pass out!"

She wasn't helping. I liked having friends, and it seems like I wasn't any closer to keeping these ones.

"I can't Alice. I'll see you Monday. Bye," I hung up before she could protest. I really felt bad about not going, but I can't go anywhere with my face like this.

I felt a stray tear fall down my cheek when I realized Charlie was once again taking the only thing I had without even knowing it.

If he ever saw me getting close to a person, or even a doll when I was little, he would make sure to go out of his way to take that away from me, my tiny piece of happiness. When I was little, he played it off as getting me to be a big girl, since big girls didn't have dollies. I learned later on that it was all a crock of shit.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed some lunch meat, bread, mayonnaise (the real kind, none of that tangy miracle whip shit), lettuce, and tomato, to make myself a sandwich for lunch.

As I was eating, I made a mental note to go to the store tomorrow. I noticed we were running low on food. I had one of Charlie's check books so I could use that for groceries.

I finished my food and went to the living room to watch TV for a while.

A little after 7, I was hurting again and decided I was mad at Charlie so I went another step further in the piss-Charlie-off plan. He was prescribed to all kinds of pain medicine, and I took a few every month or so when I was in pain because of him. He would be so drunk he wouldn't know any were missing. If he asked, I just told him he took some the previous night when he was plastered. He didn't know any better.

I walked up the steps and headed for Charlie's room. I didn't have to worry about him catching me; he was always gone on weekends. I walked into his room and was almost knocked out by the horrid smell of alcohol clinging to every surface. I got to his dresser and opened the second drawer where he kept all his pills. I grabbed the bottles and examined the labels.

Vicodin, Norco, Lortab, Percocet, Xanax and a few others I couldn't pronounce.

I grabbed one each of the Vicodin and Percocet's, and four Lortabs, and five Xanax's since those were my favorite. I never took different kinds of pills, or more than one pill for that matter, at once. I used them sporadically.

I put the bottles back in their place and went to my room to grab a joint, before grabbing bottled water and heading to the attic. The attic has a window the leads to the roof and since we don't have any neighbors for a mile or so, I could hang out there and do what I wanted.

I made it to the roof and grabbed the Vicodin. That seemed like a good enough choice for tonight.

I uncapped the water and swallowed the pill. I was never big on the snorting thing. It wasn't my thing. The drainage killed me, and I thought it was a disgusting taste to leave in your mouth, even though most people loved it.

I put the joint to my mouth, lit it, and lied back on the roof to stare at the sky. There were very few clouds in the sky, so you could actually see a few stars.

It got me thinking about yesterday.

What the hell happened? I was making new friends and headed to their house, blazed and enjoying my time with them, and the next thing I know, Edward was being a jackass, and I was headed home for an original beat down.

The Edward thing bothered me second best. Charlie was first of course, but I was use to that.

He was so nice to me in Bio, and we seemed to be friends. He was someone I could see myself hanging out with. Nothing more of course, because that's just putting a neon sign above my head for Charlie that read 'I'm doing something you told me not to! Hit me'. Yeah, not happening.

He was being nice when we first got to Alice's as well, then when I start drinking, he becomes Dr. Dick?

The fuck?

I hit the joint hard and let the toxins clear my head. Around the same time, I felt the pain medicine kicking in and I was thoroughly numb.

Charlie wouldn't be home until sometime tomorrow, and I wasn't going to Alice's party, let alone anywhere I could be seen.

_What to do?_

When I got like this sometimes, I didn't want to just sit around, I wanted to get up and see things, and I wanted to embrace.

I finished the joint and made my way back in the house. Honestly, I have no idea how I didn't fall off the roof. I loved being so incapacitated after fights with Charlie. I felt nothing. Well, I felt good I suppose.

I decided against going anywhere, since my face looks like I was kicked by a horse. It was a decent time to chill and maybe sleep a little, so instead, I headed to my bedroom to listen to music while lying on my bed. I wanted to read, but I couldn't see straight, and lying down would let me feel the full effect of my buzz. I don't know why that is, but when I'm still and not putting any effort into moving muscles, or thinking what my next step will be, I became totally out of it.

I put my ipod in my ears and put on my Linkin Park playlist.

I always loved them. They had songs to just fit things with me and Charlie. As if to prove a point, the first song was 'Place for my Head'.

I leaned back onto my pillows and felt my eyes droop, not because I was sleepy, but because I was totally fucked.

Some point in that time frame, I passed out.

*~*

I woke the next morning with a dead ipod in my hand, and my whole body aching. It wasn't just my face, so I guessed I fell asleep in an odd position, which was confirmed when I looked down and noticed how contorted I looked.

I sat up and stretched before grabbing my phone off my night stand.

7 missed calls.

Alice

Alice

Alice

830-757-7381 The fuck?

Alice

830-757-7381

830-757-7381

Who the hell was this number?

I had some voicemails too.

The first few were Alice. Apparently she stopped by at some point to check on me, but I didn't answer the door. I suppose I did go to bed a little early that night.

Another one from her caught me off guard completely.

"Hey, Bella, it's Alice. Look, Edward thinks you didn't come to school because of him."

Uhh, what? Why did he think that? I barely knew the guy, so why would I skip school because we had a few words?

"He's really sorry and promises to be nice, so please pick up? Call me soon. Bye."

Well that was weird. If he was thinking that over just a sentence or two, maybe he wasn't the type of person I thought he was.

_What kind of person did I think he was?_

Hmm… I don't know, but friendly maybe? But now he seems overbearing and dramatic. Maybe even cocky since he thinks my fucked up life was about him.

_Whatever._

I checked the next message and I stopped breathing.

The weird number was Renee.

_Okay, so the next chapter, Renee's message, and she will call and talk to Bella._

_How will that go?_

_Hmm…_

_Only one way to find out!_

_I'll update soon, I promise._

_Oh, and I'm writing this, and trying to make sure everything fits and makes sense, so how's that going? Am I screwing it up? If so, I'll work harder on the next one._

_Edward isn't in the story much right now, but after Bella talks to him on Monday about what Alice said, he appears more, because I'll make him appear more (:_

_You'll find out later why he was acting weird towards Bella later on, but he wasn't just being a douche if that's what you're thinking._

_Anyways, I hope you keep reading!_

_Thanks loveys!_


	4. Turtle Shell

**Fight of Her Life**

**Chapter 4 – Am I not 'Turtle-y' enough for the Turtle Club?**

Chapter Song- Out From Under-RED

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE SONG WITH THE RENEE PART!!!!

Renee.

That was the only thing running through my mind for the past twenty minutes. So many thoughts were running though my head, I couldn't think straight.

_Why was she calling?_

_Where was she?_

_Will Charlie find out?_

_Is she okay?_

More importantly:

_Do I care?_

The last one was an easy one.

Renee left me for dead. She could have taken me with her and saved me too, but she didn't. She fled to save herself and didn't give me second thought. All that talk about parent's never being able to love someone more than they love their own children is a crock of shit. If it were true, there wouldn't be parents like Charlie and Renee in the world.

If I didn't tell Charlie she called, he'd kick my ass if he found out. Then again, he'd probably kick my ass either way.

As my fucked up mind started to simmer down and return to a somewhat normal state of panic, I realized I was shaking.

I was livid.

Who did she think she was? She abandoned me and ran. I understand she was scared, we both were, but what stopped her from taking me as well? What caused her to leave unannounced, not even to me? What did I do wrong?

_No. I will not blame this on myself._

I was tired of taking the blame for Renee. If the house wasn't cleaned when Charlie came home from a trip, it was Renee's fault, but I would jump in and say she told me to clean, I'd just refused; which in turn would cause Charlie to come after me more than her.

I did things like that for her all the time. Renee got home from work late, it was because Bella told her to pick something up; Renee was slow on dinner, it was because Bella didn't help.

I'd missed more school from Charlie than I had for school breaks-such as spring break or Christmas break-and that was saying something.

So what do I do now? I could try to avoid the situation in hopes to keep Charlie in the dark, or I could flat out tell him she'd called.

I think I'll take my chances in keeping it to myself.

The next thing I knew, my phone was ringing in my hand. I froze in terror, and slowly peeked at the screen.

830-757-7381

It was her again.

I decided I would answer it and have this little conversation while I was still at attention and pissed off.

"Hello?" I answered, trying to sound clueless.

It must have worked, because Renee started oozing with worry.

"Bella! Oh my God, I've been calling you for hours! Why haven't you answered? Where are you? Are you okay? Is Charlie home? Oh, Bella, I'm sorry things happened the way they did. You wouldn't understand. I had to get out of there Bells, things weren't safe for us."

_Us? If I'm not mistaken, I'm still here._

"Don't worry honey, everything is taken care of here. I'm staying with a friend. His name is Phil, he plays baseball and is so cute!"

_You have got to be kidding me!_

My life was chalk in Charlie's hand; he could break me into dust so easily, and she was finding a new man!?

"Anyways, you'll meet him soon enough. So I have everything settled here, and I'm going to bring you home baby! Where are you so we can come pick you up?"

I don't think I was breathing. My vision was tinged in red and blurry from the fury I was feeling.

"Renee…" I was speechless. What do you say to something like that? 'Oh that's okay. I understand why you abandoned me to my drunken father, but I forgive you. Come get me?'

_I don't fucking think so._

"What the hell? How could you do this to me!? You abandoned me with him! You were being a selfish coward Renee! And you've already got someone else!?"

"Bells, I know it sounds bad, but I'm not scared anymore! I'm free!"

I scoffed, "oh really? What's that like, because I sure as hell don't know! I'm still here with Charlie!"

She sighed. Actually _sighed_, like she was sick of talking about me whining or something.

"Bella, I know you won't understand but it had to be like this. Charlie didn't care when I left, but if we both did… well, he would've come looking for us, and he didn't care if just one of us were gone."

She sounded bored now.

I was pissed.

"What the fuck Renee!? Did you ever care about my well being? If you did, you would've gotten us both out when it started! You couldn't even take me with you!?"

"I know I'm just a terrible parent, huh!?" she yelled.

"No Renee, you aren't a parent at all. You're dead to me."

I hung up and let the tears fall down my reddened cheeks.

How could she call me and act like I was the one who'd done wrong? I never did anything to her. I did everything _for_ her actually. She thinks she can drop me, and then call me when she feels like it to save me? No thanks. I can save myself.

I shoved my hands into my hair, grabbed handfuls, and screamed bloody murder.

I don't know how long I sat there with my elbows on the table, hands in my hair, staring at my phone, and still crying. I hated crying; it showed weakness, vulnerability.

Thanks Renee.

I use to cry with Charlie's antics. That was a long time ago before I realized he enjoyed it when I cried. He fed off my tears. After that, I learned to prefect a cover around him. Sure, I cried every now and then. When your father kicks you in the side with a steel toed boot, you'd cry too.

I was like a turtle-strong outer shell to protect me from the harms of the world, or in this case, Renee. The reasons changed from Renee, to Charlie, school, and even friends if I had any. Without my shell, I was vulnerable, cowering away. I depended on my shell. It was all I had to save me from everyone else. If I started to get comfortable with my surroundings, I would slowly peak my head out and look around, maybe even enjoy things a bit. At the first sign of pain, trouble, or someone trying to get to close though, I would tuck back into my shell to hide.

Renee had cracked my shell. I wouldn't come out, so she forced her way in and there wasn't enough room for the both of us. I guess that's why it was best that she left. I learned to protect myself and she couldn't do that for herself. She needed me to do that for her and I wasn't strong enough.

The good side was, my shell was like bone; cracked or broken, it would grow back twice as thick and twice as strong.

That's why I never really had any friends besides Tanya. Tanya understood me. She never pressured me into telling her things I didn't want to talk about. If I came to her house in the middle of the night, she wouldn't ask questions. She'd let me in, give me a quick hug, a beer, and she'd light a joint.

She knew the story behind my family. She figured it out pretty quick, and I found I could trust her, so I filled in the blanks.

She never told me it was going to be okay. She had the same problem growing up, just not as bad. Her mother killed her father in self defense. I think that's why she moved in with her grandma, because she was afraid her mother would do that to her for acting out and plead insanity.

She never gave me a pat on the back and assured me it would all work out, because we both knew it wouldn't. We both knew I just had to bide my time and sooner or later, I'd be free.

I wiped the tears away and headed to my room.

At times like this, I knew who to call.

I climbed in bed with the phone pressed to my ear and leaned against the head board.

"Hello?" she picked up on the third ring.

"Hey honey, it's Bella," I said, my voice wavering a bit.

"Bella! Babe! How's that shit hole treating you!?" she sounded happy.

I chuckled, "well, it's not Phoenix that's for sure."

"Hey there's a bed here when you need it, you know that. So what's up?"

I sighed. Tanya never asked what was wrong. She knew if I wanted to talk about it, I wouldn't tell her I was sitting on my bed staring at the wall, I'd spit the shit out.

"Renee called me."

"WHAT?! I'll cut that bitch!" she yelled.

I chuckled again. Tanya hated Renee. She always wanted an excuse to kick her ass, but respected me when I told her no. Now it was getting a little tempting.

"Yeah, she tried to tell me I didn't understand and she only left to set things up for me and all that dumb shit."

"Bella, say the word and I'll mail you a chunk of her hair," she said.

"You always know how to cheer me up."

"If she calls again, either tell her to fuck off, or just don't answer it. New topic; when are you coming to visit me baby?!"

I could hear the smile in her voice. "Soon, I promise. Charlie is still gone every weekend, so I could come down sometime."

"Make it really soon Bells. So you haven't met anyone to replace me, have you?" she pouted.

"Tanya, no one could replace you. Although I met some pretty kick ass people."

"Ooh, tell me about them," she cooed.

"Well, Alice is small and exciting. She's who I met first. She's with Jasper, who has to be from Texas or some shit, I don't know. Then there's Rosalie who is a blond goddess, who is with Emmett, a giant muscley guy you'd wet your pants for."

"Sounds like quite a group," she chuckled.

"Oh, and there's Edward."

"Edward, huh? What's his deal?" she asked.

"Well…" I didn't really know what to say. I barely knew the guy. I did know how to define him though. "He's absolutely beautiful, Tan. He has crazy sex hair, and bright green eyes that you can swim in."

"Body?"

"Great body. Not too big, not too small, with defined muscles. Oh, and perfect smile," I gushed.

"Bella, if I weren't mistaken, I'd say you had the hots for someone."

I could hear the grin in her voice. "Tanya, you know Charlie would kill me if he even _thought_ he saw me with a guy. Besides, Edward is a little condescending. He was so cool in Bio, then I went to Alice's with them after school, and he just turned into such a ass. I think he's bipolar."

She laughed. I couldn't think of any words to explain how he was at Alice's house. I didn't understand it, so how can I explain it?

"Well Bella, have fun with your _bipolar_ boy."

"Yeah, well, I'm going to head to the roof to partake in the partoking."

"I hear you baby girl, me too. Except the roof part. Take care, and you better be at my door very soon, Bella. Remember; don't take shit from anyone, and if someone fucks with you, kick their shit in as if they were that piece of shit father of yours, okay sweetie?"

"You got it chica. I'll see you soon," I replied.

"Alright, bye hon."

As soon as we hung up, I felt better, lighter. I hopped off my bed and headed to the closet for a joint and lighter.

I considered taking a pill or two, but decided I was feeling okay and would save them for another time.

As I reached the roof, I sat down and lit the joint I was carrying. Inhaling the toxins, it was like every problem with Renee, every worry about Charlie, was exhaled with the smoke and I felt better and better as the joint dwindled.

When I was finished, I lied on the roof for a moment staring at the sky. The clouds blocked everything in sight, but I felt so free at that moment, with the cold air rushing around my body, clinging to my skin, and the lightness from the THC, I realized I hadn't been so relaxed in ages.

I wasn't worried about anything. Nothing was weighing me down or holding me back. I didn't have a million thoughts and worries racing through my head. I wasn't thinking about Charlie, Renee, school, or Edward even. I was thinking about, well, _nothing_. My head was silent and still. I smiled at myself when I came to this realization.

After what seemed like hours I headed back into the house and decided it was a good time to go to bed. I gathered some clothes and headed for the shower. Taking a shower when I was high was beyond comfort for me. Feeling my body be numb and relaxed, then have hot water pounding on my back, massaging the tension away sent me to pure ecstasy.

After taking a good thirty minutes in the shower, I got out and readied myself for sleep. After fumbling through the hall, I barely made it to my bed before I flopped down. Lying there not having to move a single muscle but to breath, it was almost as good as lying on the roof, if not as good as.

I heard the front door open and close. Knowing Charlie was home; I threw myself under the covers and shut my eyes, willing him to believe I was sleeping.

I heard his heavy boots clomp up the stairs before stopping in front of my door.

Seeing as no lights were coming out from under the doorway, I thought he might go away. Instead, he slowly cracked open the door checking to see my form in bed, I assumed, and shut it just as fast.

I let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding, and slowly drifted to a dark, dreamless sleep.

_A/N:_

_So what did you think? The call with Renee was hard, but I don't know why. I guess I was trying to get out everything Bella felt towards her about everything that has happened, but I don't know…_

_I'm working on the next chapters right now. I have the entire thing in my head, it's just taking it a little longer because I want it to flow and work out good._

_After re-reading the first chapters and seeing how terrible they sounded (to me at least), I want to make sure the rest turn out good (:_

_Thanks for reading!_


	5. Breaking

**Chapter 5 - Breaking**

**Fight Inside - RED**

_Thanks to _greeneyesbrandy _for her awesome beta skills! I couldn't do this without her cleaning my shit up._

_Thanks chica!_

I don't own it.

* * *

I woke the next morning and got ready for school in a blur. When Renee called and I broke down, it made me open my eyes a little. I realized that I was losing my protectiveness. She had caused me to cry, I made friends in school, and I _never _made friends in school. I always knew it was a mistake to make friends, or try for that matter. I was getting too close to people. Even though we barely knew one another, I'd gone to Alice's house to hang out with them. It was a step further than I'd ever taken with anyone besides Tanya. I needed to distance myself. If I started being around them more, I would be tempted to hang out outside of school more, and I couldn't permit myself that luxury. Charlie would find out somehow and I would be mortified. I use to know better and wouldn't tease or tempt myself with the conversation of someone that was more than school work related, and here I allowed myself to go to their home and bond through smoking. They'd heard me talk to Charlie and Alice had said I looked scared when I was going home. Things were going too far, way too fast, and I couldn't allow that to happen.

With a new determination to tear myself away from the people I could relate to, I finished getting ready and headed to school early so I could smoke before class. It was going to take a lot of effort to dodge Alice and her prying questions about my weekend all day and I was going to need the relaxation.

As I pulled into the almost empty lot, I parked as far away from where Alice and her friends parked last week. It couldn't hurt to be extra cautious.

I sighed, knowing that I was going to be hurting myself in this. I ached for a friendship. I yearned for someone to talk to about movies, music, joints versus bowls, anything and everything friends talked about when hanging out. I couldn't have that though. I wasn't like everyone else at this school. No one had to worry about their father striking them for making friends when they're new at school. They didn't have to worry about staying home to nurse wounds said father dispensed upon them for making friends. Which in turn caused you to miss school, drawing you from the friends in the first place. That was exactly what Charlie did. And boys? Forget about it.

I had a boyfriend once in eighth grade. I told Renee, thinking we could have some mother to daughter talk, but she told Charlie intending on excitement. He stormed into my room demanding to know who he was and that I would bring him home to meet him. We'd only been dating for three days. I went to school the next day and broke up with him. All because of Charlie and because I was scared of what he would do. When Charlie asked, I told him I broke up with him because I realized he was too good for me. In reality, I was embarrassed and scared for anyone to step foot in my fucked up home. He laughed in my face and told me it was for the best, otherwise he would've figured it out on his own and dumped me sooner, rather than later.

I pushed the thoughts from my head just as I inhaled the first bit of smoke from the joint I'd lit. My phone suddenly buzzed and I started at it nervously, afraid it would be Alice. Deep inside, I wanted it to be her, just to know that she cared and was still worried about me since this weekend. Reluctantly, I picked it up and looked at the screen. Smiling, I answered it, not expecting the caller.

"Hey, what's up? You're calling kind of early," I chuckled.

"Shut up, I was calling to check on you. I know you don't like that shit, but get over it."

Tanya dropped out of school last year because she wasn't going to graduate and was too focused on partying. That was fine though, because she was a big girl and could make her own decisions. She wasn't a morning person, so she hardly arrived in the mornings, and the teachers were a joke. She wasn't dumb. Far from it actually. She was in the top of our class when she was at school, she just had things in her life going on as well, and knew school was going to have to come second. Well, third if you count partying to help numb the pain from the things going on in her life that messed her up so bad. As soon as she dropped out, she took the time to get her GED so she didn't end up empty handed in life, and that was it. She wasn't sure if she'd ever go to college, but for now, she was living with her grandma, partying with friends, and going to a psychiatrist twice a week.

"I know, and I appreciate it. I'm fine though. I'm realizing a few things, but other than that, I really am fine." I was going to try for a subject change, though I didn't really need it. Tanya knew when I didn't want to discuss shit and if I didn't change the subject, she did. I loved her for that.

"So I think I'm going to come down in the next couple weeks," I said, taking another draw from the joint.

"Seriously? That's awesome! Do you know when exactly?" she asked, excitement evident in her voice.

"No, but in the next month I'm sure. I'll leave on a Friday, stay for the weekend and come back home sometime on the following Sunday, so we'll have the whole weekend."

"That's awesome B! I have some new friends for you to meet anyways, and we'll have a major party that weekend for old time sake!" You could hear the smile in her voice, causing me to smile as well.

I finished my joint and snubbed it out in the trucks ashtray before grabbing another one and lighting it right behind the other.

"Bella, are you chain toking?" she chuckled.

I laughed with her, "Aren't we the smart one?"

"Well, enjoy your time before class, Bella dear. Listen to some music and chill out. I'm crawling back into bed with this week's man candy and going back to sleep," she said.

"Okay honey, I'll talk to you later."

We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.

I was just snubbing out my second joint and lit a cigarette, when I noticed Edward's Volvo pull in the lot, followed by Rosalie's BMW and Emmett's Jeep.

I pulled out my iPod quickly and shoved the buds in my ears, turning the volume to its max and smoked my cigarette, hoping if Alice or anyone came over to my truck, I could just ignore them and they'd go away.

Luckily, I was halfway through Sublime when I saw the clock and noticed class started in five minutes.

I grabbed my things and opened my truck door, tossing my third cigarette on the way. My eyes were fully squinted and I'm sure they were bloodshot as well. I pulled out some smelly-good-stuff and sprayed light sprits over me to try and cover the stench of weed, due to my hot boxing moments from earlier.

I noticed Alice and Edward were the only one's outside now. I averted my gaze to the ground, iPod still in my ears, in hopes they would let me pass without recognition.

I wasn't so lucky.

"Hey Bella!" Alice chimed, pulling one of my ear buds from my ear.

I looked at her with a goofy grin. I was going to have to avoid her at all cost, and that's why I knew the two joints this morning and three cigarettes following were going to help miraculously. She gave me a small smile, taking in my red eyes and weed coated clothes I'm sure, and raised her perfectly plucked brows waiting for my answer.

"I have to get to class Alice, I'll see you later," I said, walking away from her and Edward, with a grin still plastered on my face.

She looked confused when I walked away, but shrugged and headed back to Edward, grabbing his arm, and followed behind me.

I turned the volume back up on my iPod just in case she tried to chat again.

I liked Alice and her friends, really I did, but I couldn't have friends of my own. I wasn't allowed, and even if I was, I would be too afraid to make any for the fear of Charlie embarrassing me, or the fear that had me keeping my distance-fear of them finding out the truth.

I wouldn't know what to do if someone found out besides Tanya. The only reason she knew was because she suffered the same, actually worse, than what I was going through, and it was nice to relate. I couldn't relate to anyone here. They would automatically want me to run to the police and think that would fix everything.

_Let me tell you sweetheart, it doesn't._

I knew I would hate to do this, but I had to ignore Alice's advances, and if that didn't work, being a bitch was sure to make them stop. I would give anything to have Alice as a friend, but after she said I looked scared last week, that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

As I walked into Calculus, a few people scrunched up their noses, while others looked at my eyes and turned away.

_Good. That will make things easier with those who haven't talked to me yet. They won't start._

I settled into my seat and turned the volume down to a dull roar so I could still hear the teacher but focus on the music at the same time.

I already knew what I was doing in here, and if I didn't, I could call Tanya for help. She's not shy about her intelligence and she tends to help me with my school work if I was desperate, though I only caved a few times while in Phoenix for her help.

For the rest of the class, I sat enjoying the high I was engulfed in, and barely noticed when the bell rang signaling both the end of the first class, and the cue to head to second.

_Spanish. With Alice. Shit._

I'd forgotten about that. I had second period with Alice and she was sure to talk to me. I could skip, but Charlie might find out somehow. I could just tell him I was having female problems, or that I was sick in the bathroom. If the school called and he wasn't home, I could hide the evidence.

I left calculus and headed to my locker to put away my book and grab my backpack. I did so briskly and practically sprinted to the bathroom to hide out until the final bell rang.

After waiting for five minutes to pass, I left the bathroom and headed outside. I only had a few more joints with me, and I was still pretty buzzed, so I was just going to smoke a few cigarettes instead and save a joint for lunch.

Reaching into my pocket for my lighter, I felt something smooth. I pulled it out of my pocket and found the Percocet I had taken from my dad; completely forgetting I put it in my pocket this morning. I smiled when I realized the day had begun to brighten. I stuck the pill in my mouth and chewed it up, before swallowing the chalky remains. As I pulled a cigarette out of my backpack, I rounded the school and walked towards the woods lining the parking lot. It was enough so I was hidden, but could see anyone coming my way.

I walked past the first line of trees and found an old fallen tree and sat down. I lit the cigarette and continued listening to my iPod when I heard a crunch behind me.

I turned around a little too quickly and fell on the ground with a resounding _thud. _As I looked up, I saw a pale hand with long, defined fingers outstretched in front of me, offering to help me stand.

I followed the hand up a strong, toned arm, peppered with light brown hairs and veins flowing up into his shirt sleeve that covered his muscular bicep. I continued my gaze from the tendons in his arms, to his broad shoulder, that flowed to his exposed neck. Surprisingly, at the site of the pale, smooth neck, the only thing I wanted to do was lick and bite my way to the persons jaw. His jaw was square and perfect, with light stubble flowing across it. I then came to his red pouty lips, and willed myself to complete this puzzle in my head of who held these amazing features and look at the person as a whole. Just as I did so, I started berating myself in my head. The delicious man before me was none other than Edward Cullen himself. His unnaturally bright green orbs were settled on my bloodshot brown ones.

He gave me a crooked grin as I took his hand, feeling the shock again from last week. As soon as I was upright, he quickly released my hand like I'd stung him.

I started brushing myself off, and took a seat back on the tree.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

I held up my cigarette for my answer. If I wasn't going to be friends with Alice, I sure as hell wasn't going to be friends with Edward.

He took a seat beside me on the tree and pulled a joint from his pocket, lighting it.

After a few hits, he offered it to me. Even though I badly wanted to take it, I didn't want to bond with him by smoking. Back in Phoenix, sharing your weed with someone, it always brought you closer. You could trust the person to return the favor somewhere down the road, causing a friendship to develop from the immediate trust. I wasn't going to accept his offer, because I didn't plan on being around any of them enough to share anything.

I shook my head and looked the other way.

"Bella, I know you want it, just take it. You won't owe me anything, just a friend sharing with a friend."

And there it was.

_Friend._

We couldn't be friends. None of us could. Well, I couldn't be friends with them, basically. Though I couldn't explain why, I had to let him know, or tell him not to bother somehow. I just had to find a nice way to say it.

"Edward, I barely know you, how can you consider me as a friend?" I asked, my voice sounding thick and lazy. I realized the Percocet had finally settled in and I was starting to feel its effects.

"Well, we got along in Bio, and we hung out at Alice's. I mean, why wouldn't I consider you a friend?" he asked, looking confused.

_Aw, he's cute when he's confused._

_Focus Bella! You can't be attracted to him!_

Right.

I scoffed. It wasn't like I didn't _want_ to be his friend, I _couldn't_ be his friend. I couldn't tempt myself with as much as a conversation. I had to get away now before I let this get too far.

"Look Edward," I started, "you're all really nice and everything, but I like being alone, okay? It's nothing to do with any of you, really. I just prefer to stay in my own little bubble by myself."

I threw my cigarette into a nearby puddle and left the trees, heading to my truck.

Edward followed.

"Have you ever tried having friends Bella? They can be quite a good thing to have," he smirked.

I threw my book bag in the cab of the truck and turned to him.

My gaze was a little fuzzy, and my body felt numb. I didn't want to talk about this when I felt so good. Even in such a situation, I still had a little smile on my face.

"Edward, I told you, I like to be alone. Yes, I've had friends, and I like it better my way. No drama, no bullshit, no problems. Just me. I'm sufficient that way, so why don't you back off with this friends shit okay?"

He held his hands in surrender and took a step back. I let out a sigh of relief, thinking he was leaving.

He spoke again. "What about acquaintances?" he asked.

"What about them?" I spat. He jerked back from the harshness of my words.

_Get the hint buddy._

"I'm just trying to be nice, Bella."

"Well I don't need you to be nice to me Edward! I'm fine! Everything is _fine_!" I realized I was breathing hard and my eyes felt like they might start tearing up any second.

Why did I suddenly feel like crying? Oh, I know why; because everything is not fine. In fact, everything is terrible. Why did I feel like running into his arms and say '_Everything's not fine Edward. It's awful. I act like I'm strong and pretend I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm scared. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid of going home because I don't know what will happen when I walk through the door._' No, I couldn't do that. So why did I want to so badly? I wanted him to know the truth. I wanted him to comfort me and to help me find a way out of this.

My eyes widened while I looked at the man I barely knew stand in front of me. I slowly started backing away towards my truck.

_Run, run, run. Get back in your shell! Now!!_

"Edward, I have to go," I said, before jumping in my truck and slamming the door.

As I started the truck and pulled out of my spot towards the main road, I noticed Edward was still standing there watching my retreating vehicle.

He looked sad, pained, _broken_. Why did this bother me so much? It was like he knew something was wrong.

The revelation I had about wanting to confess everything to him scared the living shit out of me. If there was anyone I had to stay away from more than others, it was Edward. I didn't even know him. He was just someone I went to school with. No one.

Then why was this bothering me so much? I had no clue who this Edward was, so why the sudden feelings? I was so confused. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I was so good at keeping to myself. I was a professional at staying away from people and clamming up in my shell. It was like talking to my mother started a chain of events. She cracked my shell and now Edward was taking his turn.

Edward seemed like a nice guy. He wanted me to be his friend. He just didn't understand why I can't be his friend and never will. My life isn't like everyone else's. I can't have friends or acquaintances. My mother abandoned me, my father beats me, and I relied on my drugs to keep me whole.

I wondered if I had friends, if they could keep me whole. Would I feel better if I had someone to talk to about everything?

No, that would make things worse. The first thing friends want to do is help. I couldn't have that.

I barely made it home, swerving the entire way, my vision blurry. I parked by the road in front of the house, noticing Charlie wasn't home and would need the driveway.

I stumbled up the steps to the porch and inside, up to my room.

I made it to my bed just in time for the blackness to take over.

* * *

_Anyone care to comment?_

_I'm getting a lot of hits on favorites and alerts, but only a few reviews.. I'm heartbroken "/_

_More reviews lifts my spirits and makes me update faster than Bella lighting a joint ;)_

_Until next time!_


	6. Confessions

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS VERY, VERY DARK THEMES AND A LOT OF PHYSICAL ABUSE AND VIOLENCE. IF YOU ARE NOT OF THE APPROPRIATE AGE, OR FEAR THIS WILL DISTURB YOU, STOP READING NOW!!!**

Okay, so finally an update! I know, I was on a roll, and then nothing! Well, my computer's charger broke so I haven't had a chance to update. In the mean time, I wrote on paper so I would have the next few chapters laid out when I received my new charger. You guys should love me!

So here it is!

I have the next chapter written and part of the one after that, but I'm not sure if I'm going to wait until tomorrow to update or not. Reviews might convince me otherwise ;)

Alright, I'll shut up now. Here we are!

* * *

_And I can't breath  
And I still feel  
But not the way I want to  
I'm on the edge I don't' know how  
I can escape this nightmare_

I confess I'm always afraid always ashamed  
Of what's inside me  
I confess I'm always afraid, always ashamed  
Of what's inside my head  
what's inside my head

**Red - Confession (What's Inside my Head)**

"Bella!"

I woke from a deep, coma-like sleep to hear my name being yelled.

I was _so_ not ready to get up yet, so I groaned and buried my head under my pillow.

"Bella! Get the fuck up!" Charlie screeched.

The next thing I knew, the comforter I was wrapped in like a cocoon, was yanked on, sending me landing on my floor with a resounding _thud_.

"What the fuck?!" I exclaimed, looking at a _very _angry, and _very _drunk Charlie.

He took a single step forward and popped me in the mouth.

I could feel the inside of my lip burst from the pressure of the blow. Blood began trickling into my mouth so I grabbed the trash can by my bed to spit in to.

"One, you watch your damn mouth. Two, I got a call from your school."

_Shit._

I totally forgot I "technically" skipped school yesterday. I wasn't thinking about Charlie. The only thing running through my mind was a low roaring sound, and the fact that I wanted to confide in Edward. Which in turn, caused me to tuck tail and get the fuck out of there.

"Look, I can explain, I-" _smack._ My words were cut off by another smack to my mouth.

More blood pooled.

"If I want an explanation, I'll beat it out of you! Do you understand me?!" Charlie yelled/slurred.

I was still in the floor at this point, and afraid to open my mouth, fear of all the blood would get on my carpet, so I merely nodded and tried not to swallow.

"And thirdly, why in the hell is your truck parked halfway in the yard?" He tried to take another step but staggered a bit before regaining his balance.

I bit my lip from habit and winced at the pain that shot through my mouth.

I hadn't known I'd parked in the yard. I thought I'd just parked by the curb since Charlie needed the driveway. Then again, I wasn't all that sober when I came home either.

Charlie stood there expectantly, hands on hips, blood shot eyes trained on my face, waiting for an answer.

I never got to spit out the blood, so most of it was now in my stomach, as some was running down my chin. I didn't know how bad it was split, but I was grateful it was at least on the inside of my mouth.

I tried to think of a reasonable answer, but honestly, did it really matter? Charlie knew what he wanted to do; would the truth or a lie really stop him. Simple. No. So it didn't matter if I told him the world was coming to an end, he'd still find a way to fuck me up. The truth would only make things worse.

I took a deep breath.

_Here goes nothing._

"I wasn't feeling well so I left school. I was feeling nauseous and dizzy. I guess that's why I didn't notice my truck-" _smack. _That one was on the face.

"Bullshit! You think you can lie to me?!"

He drew back a steel-toed boot covered foot, and launched it forward, successfully kicking me right in the ribs. I was surprised he could stand on one foot for that long.

I cried out in pain and clutched my side.

_That's going to hurt like a bitch for a while._

Charlie grabbed a handful of my hair and got nose to nose with me. "You think you can get away with anything don't you!? I'm not your mother, I'm not your friend. You can't get away with a damn thing with me!"

I hadn't noticed the glass bottle of Southern Comfort in his free hand until he brought it to his lips and swallowed what was left in one gulp.

"What do you think Bells?" he slurred, looking at the bottle. "Which do you think will break first?"

I hadn't known what he meant until he tore his gaze from the bottle to stare at my head.

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!!_

I started to panic, trying to think of how to get away, or distract Charlie from his new punishment.

Before I could react, before I would plead or squirm, Charlie raised the bottle with an unsteady hand, and slammed the glass on my skull, shattering it to pieces.

For the first two seconds, I felt nothing. You know, where the pain is so bad that it's completely numb at first? Yeah, well, I wished that feeling lasted longer, because what I felt next caused me to scream in agony.

My head was pounding from the pain. I'd felt like someone had taken an axe to my skull and split it in two. Which really wasn't that far off. I suddenly felt warm liquid pool from the top of my head and down the back and sides, soaking my hair in crimson.

As I continued to scream and cry out, I reached my right hand toward my head to hold the wound. Charlie noticed the movement, and with speed so fast someone under as much influence as him shouldn't have been able to do it, he grabbed my fingers and bent them back with such force, I felt my middle finger give a loud _snap_.

It may have been a drastic difference in the pain in my head but it was still pain and I still felt it.

"Did I say you could move? You don't breathe without my permission!" I understood him, even though 'permission' sounded like 'permetscion'. If that makes sense.

I stammered through my tears and pain to give him a weak 'no'.

He chuckled_. Actually fucking chuckled_.

"You know my rules, Bella. You break them, and I break you." He tightened his grip on my hair and my hand, causing me to cry out once more, before throwing me to the floor.

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out," he spat.

With that, he walked to his room and slammed the door. No doubt he'd be snoring in five minutes.

I lay there on the floor, bloodied and broken, in a pool of my own blood, and waited.

I didn't try to get up. I knew I didn't have the energy. I clutched my head with the palm of my right hand and my ribs with my left. I could feel glass stuck in the wound and blood coating my hand. I was bleeding profusely and it wasn't looking like it was going to stop. I knew this was it; this was the end. Charlie had finally beaten me. After everything over the years, he'd finally done it. The worst part? I welcomed the death that threatened to take over me. I didn't see a reason for living. I had nothing; no friends, no family, not even school could keep me alive. I was done. I wanted death to come to take away my pain. To take me away from this awful place and put me somewhere safe. Where I wouldn't hurt anymore. Some place far away where Charlie couldn't get me. That's why death was the only way out. It didn't matter if I ran away or went off to college. Charlie would find me. He would hunt me down like a fox. I would spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, and in a constant state of fear.

That's why when the blackness finally started creeping over my body, I smiled until it swallowed me whole.

* * *

Well? This one was short I know, but it just had to end here. Can't you tell?

So review and let me know!

Some people may not like that last paragraph, but you have to remember what Bella is going through. She has nothing because of Charlie. She feels trapped and has given up on everything.

Remember, I have the next chapter written already! So tell me how much you love or hate me and I may post it today! If not, you will have to be patient until tomorrow or sometime later this week!

Thanks guys! Love, love, love you!

btw-EPOV coming up in a few chapters ;)


	7. Ask me no questions I'll tell u no lies

Okay, so here's the next chapter. I'm sorry it's not a long one. I wanted to stop it there. The A/N at the bottom will explain, I promise!

This chapter was kind of hard. I kept changing things over and over. Ugh. It's exhausting how I try to please you guys!

I hope I'm doing okay so far!

Here it is!

* * *

_Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell_

_It starts to sting as it starts to swell_

_She looks at you, she wants the truth_

_It's right out there in the waiting room_

_With those hands_

_Lookin just as sweet as he can_

_Never Again_

_Seen it before, but not like this_

_Been there before, but not like this_

_Never before have I ever_

_Seen it this bad_

_She's just a woman_

_Never Again_

**_Never Again - Nickelback_**

* * *

Cold.

That was the first thing I registered as I began to regain consciousness. I was fucking _freezing_. I always thought when I died, I would be somewhere warm and happy.

I shivered.

The next thing I registered was the beeping noise. It sounded like someone scanning grocery items. Have I died and gone to a grocery store? No, I didn't think so. I was also numb. I couldn't feel a thing. Which was awesome by the way. My head felt really tight as well. It felt as thought the skin on my skull was stretched across my head and super glued together in the middle.

Slowly, and cautiously, I opened my eyes. As they began to adjust, I began to panic.

_No, no, no!!_

I wasn't dead. I wasn't free from Charlie. I was in a hospital, where they make sure that whole scenario doesn't happen.

_Fuck!_

Most people, put in my situation, would take the suicidal route. However, I don't believe in inflicting pain upon myself, so that wasn't going to happen. If I was going to die, it had to be because of something, or in my case _someone_, else.

I looked down and noticed an IV stuck in my hand and a splint on my broken finger. I wasn't in my clothes either. I was changed into a hospital gown.

I reached up with my un-IV-ed right hand and felt the spot on my head where it felt super tight. Sure enough, there were a few metal things and thick thread-like things in my skin.

Stitches and staples.

Great.

I didn't hurt though, for which I was fucking ecstatic about. I took a few deep breaths to check my ribs, and other than a small pull, I felt nothing there as well. I pulled aside the blanket that was covering me, and checked the bandages wrapped around my torso.

Just as I put the blanket back in its place, I heard the door click open and I froze.

_Charlie._

Snapping my gaze towards the entrance of the room, I relaxed, seeing as it was just the doctor. Then I panicked again.

The doctor was tall, with blond hair and bright blue eyes. He was fuckhot. I couldn't tell if he was built or not, for he was wearing dress clothes under his white doctor coat, but with a face like that, he had to have the bod to match. His face was perfect; angular chin, high cheekbones, straight nose, and the eyes just popped when they... stared right back at me...

I blushed and looked quickly away.

"Isabella, it's good to see you're awake and well," he chuckled.

I nodded. What else could I do? I just got caught checking out my doctor for fuck's sake!

"Just Bella, please," I added as an after thought. I had to clear my throat at the end because it was so dry.

"There's water in the white mug on the side table, Bella."

I looked and saw said mug. Grabbing it I quickly started sucking as much water as I could through the clear straw.

"Bella, can you tell me what happened?" he asked, standing beside my bed.

I was ready for this. After all the time I spent with Renee in my place, I had the routine down to a T. I knew what to say, and how to say it.

"Um, no," I said, sounding confused. "I can't really remember anything."

Doc sighed. He was either really tired and wanted to leave, or he knew I was full of shit. I was hoping for the former.

"How did I get here, Doctor..." I trailed off, not knowing his name.

"I'm sorry, how rude of me. My name is Dr. Cullen. I've been caring for you for the past few hours."

"Nice to meet you," I said. Something was pulling on my brain, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Then it hit me.

_Cullen._

Edward.

"Did you say Cullen?" I asked, cocking my head to the side.

"Yes. You may know my son, Edward. You two go to the same school and are in the same grade. You might not have met him yet since you've only been to school for a few days."

I nodded. "I don't really know him. I just know of him," I lied.

Of course I knew Edward. He got mad at me the first day I met him for drinking, then driving. Then he tried to be my friend. Edward Cullen was the first person I've ever met whom I've wanted to tell all of my secrets to.

"Well, I'm sure you'll meet him and his friends soon enough," he replied.

I could have sworn that I heard him mumble "with all the pot in your system and his, you'll be best friends" but I couldn't be sure.

I ignored that and asked him a question. "How did I get here?"

"Your father brought you in about five hours ago. You were knocked unconscious and we were afraid you would have either a concussion, or brain damage. I was also afraid you may have been knocked into a coma. You weren't responding to anything. Thankfully, you woke up."

"Yeah, thankfully," I mumbled bitterly, hoping he hadn't heard.

As if on cue, Charlie walked in then, playing the part of the worried-to-death, your-grounded-for-life father.

"Bells! Oh, thank God. I didn't think you were going to wake up! What the hell were you thinking!?" he added sternly. "You're smarter than to do something like that Isabella!"

My eyes narrowed, but only slightly. He wouldn't have caught it. This entire thing was bullshit. I should tell Dr. Cullen the truth. I should blab to everyone what really happened. However, I was smarter than that. I knew better. If everyone got past the whole 'you're trying to get attention' thing, they wouldn't do anything about the situation I was thrust into just because I was Charlies daughter. He always said I was cursed being born into his family, and as of now, I was starting to believe him.

"Mr. Swan, could you please recap for Bella what happened? She doesn't seem to remember. The blow to her head might have taken away some of the memory of the incident, but I don't believe she has any fatal memory loss," Dr. Cullen said politely, but there was something in the under tone of his voice that I didn't understand. When I chanced a look at him, he was glaring at Charlie. If looks could kill, Charlie would have died five times over.

Charlie didn't notice because he was too busy throwing the same look in my direction and giving some bullshit story about my friends and I drinking and smoking. Apparently we got bored and decided to smash bottles on our heads, and being the clumsy teenager I am, I fell onto the coffee table and hurt my ribs, before landing wrong on my hand, thus breaking my middle finger. He was a smooth mother fucker, I'll give him that. He didn't falter once.

"Um, yeah, I sort of remember some of the beginning," I added just as smoothly.

Dr. Cullen didn't looked convinced for a second, but as soon as Charlie turned his way, he put on the sympathetic I'll-believe-whatever-shit-you-feed-me look Charlie was expecting.

"Well, Mr. Swan maybe you would like to go to the cafeteria to grab something to eat and by the time you finish, I will have her discharge papers together."

Charlie nodded and grunted in agreement before heading to the door. As soon as the door clicked shut, doc rounded on me.

To my complete surprise, he didn't say anything. I completely expected him to blow up and tell me he was calling child services or the police or fucking Gandhi or some shit; but no. He just straightened his features and grabbed my chart from the end of the bed. He was still silent as he scribbled a few things down and set it back in its place, finishing up.

He pulled something from his pocket and began to speak, "Bella, this is my card. It has every number for me; home, work and cell. If you have any problems with... erm, your head... call me. If you need anything, anything at all, do not hesitate to pick up the phone."

I took the card from his long fingers and nodded. When I looked up, his face was composed, but his eyes seemed so sad. This confused me. Why did it matter if I was having problems at home? It wasn't his business. I know he meant well, but everyone who had a clue to what was going on meant well when they would lecture me and demand I do something.

With a resigned sigh, Dr. Cullen disappeared from my room.

As soon as we arrived back at the house Charlie went straight to the closet and grabbed his fishing gear. He usually only fished on the weekends, but I guess after everything he wanted to get away for a bit. I didn't blame him.

When I heard his car pull from the drive, I jogged to my room. I still had some meds in me from the hospital but that is definitely not enough. I could still think clearly. I could still function.

Dr. Cullen wrote a prescription for Lortab 10's for me, with two refills. I was to take one every four hours, or as needed.

I will be needing them much more often, thanks.

I grabbed my pack of cigarette's that housed three joints and a lighter, another unopened pack of cigarettes, and my little baggie of pills.

I didn't know what they gave me while I was incarcerated but I wasn't all that concerned. They gave the Tabs, which Charlie reluctantly filled, so I was pretty positive I wouldn't enduct some kind of chemical imbalance shit.

I climbed onto the roof after traveling through the attic and sat down. I didn't know what time all of the shit from earlier happened, but it was dark now. Charlie would be gone well into tomorrow. I had an excuse to take the next two or three days off from school, but that wasn't going to happen. Charlie would throw a fit, and I was new and had only been to school for one full day. That sort of thing is usually frowned upon. I was setting a great example.

I pulled a joint from my pack and lit it with my purple lighter. Inhaling the smoke, I felt my muscles relax in my shoulders. It was a very small difference, but it was there. I knew the more smoke I filled my lungs with, the lighter I would feel, so I immediately got to work.

Two joints and three cigarettes later, I pulled a random pill from the bag and swallowed it. I didn't pay attention to what it was, they would all have the same effect.

My body was much lighter and my head was very foggy. I grabbed the new pack and pounded the top into the palm of my left hand, packing in the tobacco. I removed the celaphane and placed the roaches inside before sealing it. Putting a cigarette into my mouth, I decided there was someone I wanted to talk to about the events from today. They shook me up a little more than I'd like to admit and it was weighing on me heavily, though the drugs just masked it up.

Pulling out my phone, I dialed Tanya's number. After a few rings, she picked up, sounding a little sober.

"Hey Tanya, it's Bella," I said.

"I know, I have caller ID," she replied, chuckling.

"Right." I tried to give a good chuckle myself, but it sounded forced and weak.

Tanya picked up on it instantly. She knows when I get in these moods that something happened. She doesn't fuck around when I call her all serious and shit. She knows to get down to business.

"Gimme a sec."

I heard some shuffling and figured she was moving to another room or something.

"Alright chick, tell me what happened."

I took a long drag on my cigarette before pouring into my story. A few tears escaped, making me feel vulnerable. Telling Tanya things like this always broke me a little. It was one thing to go through it, but retelling things was like living through the horror twice. She listened to the entire tale, from beginning to end without saying a word; knowing I just needed to vent and get this off me chest.

After I was finished, my cigarette had dwindled to nothing so I snubbed it on the roof before placing the butt in the ashtray I kept by the window out here. I grabbed another cigarette and lit it before Tanya spoke.

"That's fucked, girl." I could hear her exhale her own smoke, but what she was smoking, I wasn't sure.

Not wanting to bring myself from my drugged stupor, I decided to get rid of the subject.

"So, yeah... that's it. We can talk about it tomorrow or whatever. I just smoked and took a pill, so I'm feeling great. Oh, not to mention I still had some of the shit from the hospital in me." I chuckled, and this time it was genuine. Telling Tanya about Charlie always made me feel so much better.

"Don't I know it. You runnin' low yet?" she asked.

I knew what she was asking about. "Fuck, I hadn't thought about it. I pre-rolled a shit load of joints and haven't looked in my stash lately. I'll have to get some from you when I visit this weekend." I threw the visit in there trying to surprise her.

"You're shittin' me!" I could hear the smile in her voice.

I shook my head then remembered she couldn't see me before busting into hysterics. She had no idea what I was laughing about, but joined in with me, which caused me to laugh harder. Every time I tried to stop and talk, I'd get part of a word out before cackling again.

After a good ten minute laugh, my stomach hurt, as well as my ribs, but the pain was subsided due to the pills. The weed mostly just helped my head.

Wiping tears from my eyes, Tanya asked, "What the fuck was that?" A few giggles still escaped.

"You know what? I don't remember." That caused us to laugh again.

After telling Tanya I just decided to come down this weekend because of the Charlie thing and wanted to see her, we started saying our goodbyes, promising to plan out everything through the week.

I hung up and gathered my things before heading inside.

Charlie still wasn't home when I made it to the second floor, and for that I was grateful. I didn't need him smelling weed on me and flipping out again. Seriously, the guy just needed one giant fucking chill pill.

_Or one giant fucking ass kicking._

I grinned a little at my thoughts but threw them out of my head and walked down the steps to get some munchies from the kitchen.

After a bowl of Easy Mac, two cans of brown pop, one twinkie, a pack of Suzy Q's, and half a bag of Dorito's later, I shut off the show I wasn't paying attention to and headed upstairs for bed. After all-I had school tomorrow.

I changed into my pajamas and climbed into bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I realized how tired I was. Today had taken a lot out of me. I wasn't use to using so much energy in one day, and the pot was making me so fucking tired. I shut my eyes and waited to fall asleep.

I felt so defeated. I'm not sure why. Usually I held strong after Charlie threw his tantrums. I took the beating with my chin held high and let him do as he pleased. When he would finish, he would sulk off somewhere and I would fix myself up before grabbing my cigarettes and a joint. Today was different for some reason, and I couldn't figure out why.

Then there was the Edward thing. That was grating on my nerves so bad. I didn't know the guy from Eve, yet I wanted him to know my darkest secrets. I wanted him to comfort me and tell me everything would be okay. I wanted him to help me find a way out. That's what caused me to run. I don't know why I felt this way; the only person I talk to about my shit is Tanya because she's been there. Who the fuck was Edward? Yeah, I'll admit he's fucking drop dead sexy. One smile from that boy and I was his. That aside, I've only heard him speak a few times. He seemed cool and everything, but that's back to the friend thing I can't do.

Also, I really, _really _wanted to talk to Alice. Alice was always super nice to me. She took me under her wing and befriended me when I was new. She warned me about frizzy haired bitch and took me to her house to smoke. Every time I saw her she had a smile on her face, like life was just peachy-fucking-keen. I should have been jealous. I should have told her to fuck off and go dance in the flowers somewhere. The thing was though, around Alice, you can't help but be effected by her. When she smiles, you want to smile too. They were all nice to me. They seemed to like to be in their own little bubble away from the drama shit that high school contains, no matter how small the town. For some reason, they wanted me included in that bubble-and I really wanted to allow myself the luxury of that. I couldn't though.

I didn't know anything about any of them, but I wanted to. Everyone has their own story. I wanted to know their fairy tales with their happy endings.

Unfortunately, my story was a nightmare; a horror. And they could never open me up to even being to turn the pages of my complicated and fucked up life.

* * *

Okay, so I had to stop it here because the next chapter is going to be EPOV and I didn't want to split this in two.

I'm not sure if I'm going to start their next day at school in the next one or not. Edward is going to have a lot to contemplate over in the next chapter. I'll try and make it longer. Don't be mad if it isn't though. I've already started on it, so it should be up in the next few days.

I really do spoil you guys with my frequent updates ;)

Well?

Too awful?

Sorry, I guess I changed it too much "/

What?

You liked it?! Really?!

Then tell me in so in the review you want to send me!


	8. Give Me A Sign

A/N: **THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED AND REPOSTED. IF YOU READ THE FIRST CHAPTER 8, YOU AREN'T MISSING ANYTHING. THIS CHAPTER WAS BETA'D BY THE WONDERFUL **_greeneyesbrandy _**AND IS MUCH BETTER. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ IT AGAIN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, NOTHING DRASTIC HAS BEEN CHANGED.**

**THANKS!**

**Thanks chica for your great advice... You clean up my shit the way it needs done.**

**You're my hero & you know why (:**

**On with the show! (again.)**

I don't own the amazing world that is Twilight, but I can still dream ")

* * *

_I can feel you falling away_

_No longer the lost_

_No longer the same_

_And I can see you starting to break_

_I'll keep you alive_

_If you show me the way_

_Forever - and ever_

_the scars will remain_

_I'm falling apart_

_Leave me here forever in the dark _

**Breaking Benjamin - Give Me A Sign**

* * *

EPOV

"Mom! I'm home!" I yelled as I entered the house.

Nothing.

_Guess she's out then._

I shrugged my shoulders, a little glad I didn't have to break out the eye drops, and headed up the stairs.

I just got back from Jasper's house. Everyday after school, we would go to his house and hang out on the back patio. Sometimes we just chilled and hung out, but more often than not, we smoked and did dumb shit.

Jazz was my best friend. He moved to Forks in first grade and was immediatly looked at as an outcast due to his southern accent. Tyler Crowley and Mike Newton started harrassing him at recess-calling him names, pushing him back and forth-and I quickly took Jaspers side. Even that young they knew not to fuck with me, so they wisely backed off. We've been best friends ever since. Emmett was someone who wouldn't stand for that shit either, but he gave as good as he got. Jasper and I were more reserved, which brought us closer than Emmett would be with us.

While Emmett was the boisterous fun one, Jasper was the calm in the storm. He had a knick for reading people, understanding how they feel, especially me. He was usually in tune to whatever I was feeling and it definitely helped in most situations.

I entered my room and hit the power switch on my stereo. A good song was playing so I left it and turned to my bed. I landed with a thud and stared at the ceiling, getting lost in my thoughts.

They quickly shifted to Bella and her reaction today. What the hell was that about? I was trying to be nice to her and she ran. We were fine last week and than suddenly, all hell breaks loose.

I went outside to smoke and let off some steam. I left second block because that bitch Lauren was in there and wouldn't take the hint to back the fuck off my dick. I left before the teacher even arrived. Once outside, I headed to my usual spot at the edge of the parking lot but came to a stop when I saw a petite figure under a hood. I saw her book bag on her back and knew it was Bella. She was smoking a cigarette and hadn't seen me yet.

As I walked closer a stick snapped under my foot. Bella whipped her body around and slipped off the log, landing on the wet ground.

I closed the distance and stuck my hand out to help her stand. She looked flustered and I couldn't help the chuckles that passed my lips. You would've laughed too.

She looked up slowly and met my eyes, a faint blush tinting her cheeks.

Why did I find that absolutely adorable?

_Adorable?! What the fuck Cullen?!_

I ignored my inner argument as Bella reached her hand out and touched mine. I jolt of electricity went from my arm and warmed my entire body. I stood her up and released her hand quickly, not knowing what the fuck just happened.

She sat back down on the log and went back to smoking as if I wasn't even there. I asked her what she was doing and she held up her cigarette, still not using the vocal cords I knew she had.

She seemed distant and almost annoyed of my presence. Maybe she was deep in thought and that was the reason for her silence.

I decided to be stuborn, like always, and stayed. Maybe if I stuck around she would talk.

I pulled out a joint and lit it. I felt the smoke in my lungs deep in my chest and reveled in the feeling I loved so much. After a few hits, I offered it to her, but she declined. I told her it's what friends do or some shit, and she basically told me she wasn't my friend. I totally didn't get it. I thought she'd enjoyed hanging with me and the gang.

Her eyes were rimmed with red and bloodshot, her voice sounding lazy and dull. She was stoned, sure, but that didn't explain anything.

She got up to walk away and I followed, wanting to mess with her a bit. The joint I smoked was getting to my head, so I smiled and poked fun at her.

She went the fuck off on me. Seriously, I thought the chick was going to bitch slap me. I used my 'nice' voice and told her I was trying to be nice.

She looked me dead in the eye...

And lied through her fucking teeth.

She told me everything was fine, but she slipped. Whatever cover she had on, she lost it. It was only for half a second but I saw it. I saw so many emotions playing behind her eyes that I was too stunned to say anything. She took advantage of my moment of muteness and took off like a speeding bullet.

I couldn't get her eyes out of my head. I may have seen a lot of things in those deep brown eyes, but one stood out the most.

_Fear. _

It was consuming her.

I knew that look. I knew it like I knew my own fucking name. I can't believe I actually thought of her eyes as flat and plain when we first met. Her eyes held so much depth, I felt I could see to her soul. She looked so... _broken_. But as soon as it was there, a cold hard wall was put in place and everything I saw was gone in a flash. She looked at me for a second longer with wide eyes before she left. I didn't understand the look she gave me. I was still stuck on her eyes.

That was this morning at school and its been hours since she bolted as I sat on my patio and I still couldn't get those fucking eyes out of my head.

Bella obviously didn't want us around her. If she left school just because I talked to her, I could definitely take the hint. I mean, she told me herself she didn't need any friends. That must be why she didn't talk to Alice in the parking lot.

I was brought out of my thoughts by my mom yelling that it was time for dinner. I looked at the clock; it was seven thirty! Where the hell did the time go?!

I snubbed out the cigarette I was smoking and headed downstairs.

"Smells great, Mom," I said, kissing her cheek.

She scowled at me, obviously smelling the cigarettes. She knew I smoked, but not that I smoked pot. Dad didn't know about either one. It was our little secret. Dad was a doctor at the Forks General Hospital and would be home any minute. He worked from early morning hours until around now.

I sat down at the table and heard the front door open and close. Carlisle came in and put his breifcase down a little forcefully. He let out a heavy sigh, kissed Mom on the cheek and took his seat at the head of the table.

"Everything okay, honey?" Esme asked, joining us at the table.

He ran his hand through his golden hair.

_So that's where I picked up the habit. Huh._

"Yeah. Yeah, everything is fine."

He shot me a glance that confused the fuck out of me before starting dinner.

After we all finished eating, Carlisle turned to me. "Edward, can you come to my office for a minute, please?" he asked.

I nodded and said, "Sure."

We walked up the steps leaving my mom to do the dishes and entered his study.

He sat behind his desk and I placed myself in one of the wing back chairs in front of him.

He looked stressed. For once, he looked his age. He was in his fourties but never looked it until now.

He tugged at his hair once more and I gave him a questioning glance. I hadn't done anything wrong that I could remember. Besides the smoking.... shit. What if he found out?! I started to panic before he spoke.

"Son, do you know a Bella Swan?" he asked, looking up at me.

_What does Bella have to do with anything?_

I nodded warily, "Yeeeahhh.... Why?"

I exhaled a gust of air and hung his head.

"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you." He seemed to be talking more to himself than to me.

I knew he wasn't allowed to discuss his patients, so if he ws considering breaking that rule, this had me on edge. Especially if it was about the broken woman I saw today at school.

"Have you noticed anything about her that seems a little... off?"

"No, I don't really know her. Why? What's up?"

I honestly hadn't noticed anything weird about her.

_Except her eyes._

I couldn't tell Carlisle about her eyes. Those brown eyes that seemed so full of hurt, fear, and hatred that never ended in their depth. That single split second glance gave me a look into an endless pool I felt myself struggling to get out. I wanted to break to the surface and suck in air I didn't need. I felt her pain in that quick crack in her walls and I felt like I was fighting to escape. So much hurt and terror was held inside her and I was sucked into her depths, begging to understand, yet screaming to get away. How could someones eyes hold such emotions as hers? She looked like a small child, cowering behind a brave face, lying to everyone, including herself, that she was okay. She believed if she said it enough, it would be true. Those eyes I couldn't get out of my head haunted me. I wanted to know what was the cause of the pain in her eyes. I wanted to hold her and reassure her everything really _was_ going to turn out okay. I wanted to protect her against whatever it was that broke her, that was _breaking_ her.

This realization sent my mind into a fucking whirlwind. I had no idea why I felt this way. I've never felt this way about anyone. Ever.

Carlisle pulled me from my sudden thoughts by clearing his throat.

"Son? You with me?" he asked, sounding slightly amused, but still concerned.

"Huh? Shit, sorry. Um, no, I don't really know her Dad. Should I keep an eye out for her or something?"

He sighed again and shoved his hand through his hair once more.

Yep, definitely where I picked up the habit.

"She was brought into the hospital today. She was unconsious and had a severe gash on her head I had to stitch and staple."

I froze.

"She seemed nonchalant about the wounds and her and her father claimed she had friends over. They said they were drinking and smoking pot and broke bottles over each others heads."

"Bullshit," I mumbled, knowing she didn't have any other friends. I knew this story all too well.

Apparently Carlisle didn't hear me, because he continued as if I hadn't spoken.

"I've seen this happen time and time again, so I just want you to keep an eye out for her, okay? Knowing my position as her Doctor, you can not say anything to anyone about this conversation. Is that understood?" he asked.

I nodded. I knew I couldn't say anything. I knew he wasn't permitted to speak about his patients to anyone, but he clearly had a reason to speak to me about Bella. He was right to be worried. I would keep my word too. I wouldn't say shit to anyone. I would watch Bella closely. After what I saw in her pained eyes and this information, I knew something was happening. I knew the story all too fucking well and I was determined for Bella to let me in and allow me to help her, because God damnit, she needed it.

I left his office without another word. Carlisle knew I would hold true to what I said.

I went to my room and grabbed a pack of cigarette's and lighter. After shoving my feet into a pair of Chucks, I grabbed a joint and my keys and left the house to go the one place I could think and be calmed.

* * *

I lit my cigarette after finishing the joint I'd brought with me. Lying back in the grass, I started to let my mind wander.

What the fuck happened today? It seemed like a normal day at first. I skipped second block because I didn't want to put up with Lauren today and everything went to shit after that.

I still had her eyes etched into the back of my lids and with every blink, they haunted my vision.

I mean, fuck, I've never seen so much terror in ones gaze. Bella seemed like such a nice person, when she wasn't distant and cold. She said she didn't need any friends, but he was full of shit. I knew she needed someone to talk to and even though she didn't know it, she could talk to me-or even Alice or Jasper for fucks sake.

I didn't know how to approach this either. Last time I saw her we weren't exactly on 'nice' terms when we split. I couldn't just walk up to her and tell her I knew she needed help. Seriously, when someone needs help, the last thing they want is to be told they do. I wanted to help Bella, but I didn't know what the fuck to do or how to do it. I couldn't tell anyone about what was going on though I knew I could trust Jasper. He would know something was bothering me just by looking at me. He was so in tune to how everyone was feeling it was stupid. He was in tune with me far more than everyone else, and even though it was a little gay and fucking weird, it helped out in various situations.

Even though my thoughts were going a mile a minute and I was more confused than ever. I did know one thing.

Bella Swan needed help, and God help me, I was going to be the one to help her.

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A/N: This was hard to write, so review and let me know how awful or wonderful I did!

I haven't been getting many reviews lately, so can you help a girl out? With Edward on top?

Hoped the edited version was better than the first!

Until next time my faithful readers3


	9. The End of the World

A/N: So this chapter is pretty dark. You'll understand when you read it. If you aren't of the appropriate age, PLEASE STOP!! I mean, I love that you want to read my story, but it's just now for anyone under age.

As always, thanks a ton to my wonderful, amazing, inspiring _greeneyesbrandy_ for her lovely beta-ing skills. She saves my work from the disaster it would undoubtedly become!

See you at the end!

We all know it, but I better say it; I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR THESE CHARACTERS!!

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_And I don't know what to do_

_But sit here and wait for the end of the world_

**Smile Empty Soul - End of the World**

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**BPOV**

I woke some time around four in the morning with my head pounding. It felt like someone was taking a fucking sledge hammer to the very top of my head. I grabbed at the stitching and winced. Fuck, that shit hurts! I climbed out of bed and grabbed the bottle of pills Doc prescribed me and shoved two in my mouth. They were Tab tens and Charlie wasn't happy about filling them. I honestly don't know why he let me get them filled. He would do that with Renee sometimes. He'd go off the wall and beat her senseless, take her to the hospital, then be all nice and shit and try to act like he's sorry without actually saying so. Fuck that. If he felt sorry, he wouldn't repeat the act in the first place. No, that's bullshit. He shouldn't be doing this shit in the first place! Truthfully, I never understood how Renee could go through this shit without putting up a fight... until now. I've never been in this position. Charlie's never put me in the hospital before and it scared the shit out of me. I can honestly say that from now one, every time I see him, I will be cowering away and waiting for him to take a fucking frying pan to my head or some shit. I always thought I was the strong one-taking care of Renee, never backing down from Charlie-but now I see I'm no better than Renee. I'm a coward. The only thing I have above her is that I'm still here. I haven't ran. Why haven't I ran? Simple. I have no place to go. I can't go to the police. Renee did that once when Charlie kicked her teeth in and broke her ribs. They said they couldn't do anything unless she got a restraining order or something, but she was too scared to do anything.

Charlie's a lot like the police. Someone who's sole purpose is to protect you, to keep you safe and out of harms way. However, when you see a police car, you get scared they're going to pull you over and throw you in jail. You freak out and keep taking quick glances at them even when you know you aren't doing a damn thing wrong. Charlie's the same way. Even if I know I haven't broken any rules, I'm still on edge, waiting for him to punch me for no reason. He's suppose to protect me, yet I fear him.

_I fear him._

_xxxxx_

_1 year ago_

_"Bella get in your room and shut the door. I'll get you when you're needed." Charlie's words were menacing. He wasn't even looking at me. He was shooting daggers at my poor excuse for a mother._

_Renee decided to get smashed today. Their wedding anniversary is today and Renee flipped shit. She started screaming, breaking whatever she could get her hands on and yelling that she wished she never married Charlie and that she was tired of his shit. Blah, blah, blah._

_Whatever._

_She was a real hard ass until Charlie pulled in from work. He was working as a police officer._

_Ironic, huh?_

_He came home and when he walked through the door, Renee was silent as a fucking mute. There were broken things all over the house and she still had a lamp in her hand she was about to chuck._

_  
I stood there and watched, not knowing what to do. She doesn't listen to me anymore. She blames it all on me, actually. Somehow it's all my fault. She never explained why. Just that 'this is all your fault you stupid, ugly girl!'. _

_Yep._

_So when Charlie came home smelling of booze and saw the mess, I knew shit was going to hit the fan. More than it already had, actually._

_I went to my room as told and as soon as the door clicked shut, I heard my mother scream just as the lamp shattered against something._

_I sat in the middle of my floor rocking back and forth, my knees pulled to my chest, my hands covering my ears. I tried my hardest to drown out my mothers screams with my palms and humming, but it was all to no avail. All I could hear was 'Charlie!' and 'oh, God, no!'. Various things of the sorts between blood curdling screams._

_Suddenly it stopped and was just the sound of my mother sobbing. I thought it was over until my door swung open and Charlie staggered in, grabbing me by my hair. I screamed and stood as he pulled. We were face to face now and he was an inch away._

_I could smell the blood covering his hands. It wasn't the first time I've seen it on him._

_"You know who controls you and your mother, and that is going to be the way it is for the rest of your piece of shit life! You don't breathe without my permission! Is that clear?!" Charlie yelled._

_I nodded frantically._

_"You've got a mouth, use it!" He gave my hair a hard tug causing me to screech out a 'yes'._

_"You live by my rules. Now you have a choice here. You can either respect me, or you can fear me. I can promise you neither will be good."_

_I blurted my answer without even thinking about it._

_"I may fear you Charlie, but I will _never _respect you." I spat in his face._

_He looked shock for half a second before narrowing his eyes and saying, "Your choice." then he threw me on the floor and tried out his new boots on the second person that day._

That was the only day I'd ever semi-stood up to Charlie.

He was my living nightmare. Hell on Earth. He always made sure I knew I was cursed the day I was born his daughter.

As I got ready for school, I felt nothing. Charlie had pushed me to my brink and I had given up hope. I was numb to any feelings or any emotions. I didn't feel the shampoo that leaked into my eyes in the shower, I didn't feel the material of my jeans as I wriggled them on and I didn't taste the eggs I cooked for breakfast. I was now on permanent auto pilot. I noticed nothing. I felt nothing. There was just _nothing_.

I grabbed my bottle of Tabs and shoved them in my purse. When I got to my truck and drove to school, I couldn't remember the drive there. I felt as though I was so fucked up on drugs, so far gone, that I'd blacked out permanently. I sat in my truck and smoked two joints and two cigarettes. I chewed one more Lortab. I didn't feel the drugs in my system. I didn't feel the pavement beneath my feet.

I vaguely noticed Alice in my peripheral waving at me but I chose to continue my state of nothingness.

Through the rest of the day, I didn't speak, I didn't listen, I didn't eat. I sat in my assigned desk and was shut out to the world. My shell that use to protect me was now empty. It held no body to protect. It was as empty as I'm sure my eyes looked to anyone looking in them. Everyone went about their day smiling and talking and being happy. No one noticed the girl who had given up all hope to live and signed her life over to her father who was going to treat her as a punching bag. No one noticed the look in my eyes and the emptiness in my steps. I had no reason to try anymore. I had nothing to hope for anymore. All hope was gone. Charlie had won and though I felt nothing, I felt the tiniest bit of satisfaction. I no longer had to worry about fear or anger. I just had to bide my time and wait for whatever future I would or would not have. Charlie would decide my fate and I was happy for that. Nothing was up to me anymore. I didn't have to choose anything. I was his.

At the end of the day, I numbly walked to my locker and didn't even pause when I noticed a faceless body standing beside it at the locker beside mine. I saw a flash of bronze and knew who it was that was standing there.

I didn't register him. I didn't hear him talking. I pulled my bag onto my shoulders and began to walk away. I felt a tug on my arm and slowly looked down at it where it was clutching my elbow. I didn't cringe like I usually would when someone grabbed me. I didn't have emotions to give to this boy of any form. I looked up to him and heard his fast intake of breath.

Whatever he saw made the release on my arm loosen enough for me to walk away. So I did. I walked away and went home without looking back at the people who had no idea what was happening to me.

I did my homework when I got home in a blur. Though I heard nothing being said in class, some internal part of me must have taken the lesson in because I filled the pages out with ease. Before I knew it, I was on the roof again and clutching my lighter in one hand, joint in the other.

I was lost. I didn't know what to do anymore. So I did nothing. I went through the days the same as the first-when the numbness invaded me. I never talked and I never listened. I barely ate, but when I did, I tasted nothing. I lied in my bed every night unable to sleep. I would stare at the ceiling and wait for sleep to overcome me. I never even saw Charlie anymore. He'd be gone when I'd wake up and I'd be in bed when he'd stumble in the door at night. I didn't know if he decided to get a job or was just avoiding me after the incident. His way of apologizing I'm sure.

I went through the next month this way. I went to school, came home, went to the roof, went to bed and lied awake with an empty and hopeless mind.

Four weeks had gone by and I was gathering my things to head to the roof when there was a knock on the door. I didn't stop and think of who it could be, I didn't shrug. I just walked down stairs and opened the door not caring who could be there.

Edward was at the door and for the first time in a month I noticed his face. He looked terrible. His hair was messier than usual and he had bags under his eyes that could give mine a run for their money.

I didn't think about any of that though. I stood there and stared past his head into the woods and waited for him to go away.

His head was moving like he was talking and I think he waved his hands in front of my face but I couldn't tell. I was use to not seeing anything these days I couldn't remember how. I couldn't remember how to speak or see things. I nodded my head and shut the door. Although, I'm pretty sure he was still talking.

I didn't know why he was here and I didn't let it bother me. He probably just needed help with his homework. We still had Biology together. He would tap my arm and try to talk to me everyday, but just like every other class, I stared straight ahead and said nothing.

I went to the roof and watched a shiny spot in my vision speed down the road.

I don't know how much time had passed, but I had yet to see Charlie. I didn't know why he hadn't been home but it was only a matter of time before he needed his fix of beating someone.

So I waited. I went through my daily routines and waited for the time to come that Charlie would get a wild hair up his ass and decided that I needed to learn another god damned lesson.

A few hours later, I was somehow in my room on the phone with Tanya. I hadn't talked to her in a while and she sounded like she was worred. Which is pretty amazing in itself because T doesn't get worried about anything. She must have noticed how I hadn't said anything besides a few grunts and 'hmms'.

I barely heard her talk but I did register that she was buying me a round trip ticket to visit this weekend. I heard myself say 'yes' and didn't even notice my own voice. It sounded empty. Like there was nothing giving it any life anymore. Which was the case. All life inside me was gone. Charlie had taken it.

So some time later, I somehow found myself getting off the plane in Phoenix and couldn't remember the last month of my life. It was like I was stuck in the Twilight Zone. As if I wasn't even there. I never really was though. I was an empty shell. I breathed and went through my day with nothing in me.

Something in me changed when I stepped into the sun at Phoenix though. I saw Tanya by the baggage claim and wondered when I would feel happy to see her. When would I smile and run into her arms for my greeting hug?

Then I remembered I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't feel anything; I had no emotions to show her how I felt. I guess she knew as much.

When I walked up to her, all she said was "Ready to get Bella back?"

I just nodded my head and let her lead the way. I didn't want to be brought back though. I liked feeling nothing. I didn't have the fear in me to worry about Charlie. I didn't feel upset that everyone went on with their happy days with their happy families while the inside of me slowly died. I made my choice. I gave up my life and all hope that I would get away. I lost the fight and I didn't want to try anymore. I was tired of trying. I fought my entire life for Renee and now I have no energy left in me to fight for myself.

Seems like Tanya has other plans though.

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A/N:

Well?

That was kind of hard to write. I tried to catch how Bella felt the best I could, but it's kind of hard to explain _nothing_. She's given up all hope to get away from Charlie somehow. She's sees no reason to live, she has absolutely nothing in her life but an abusive, drunk father. I hope I captured every emotion/non-emotion okay "/

Leave a review and tell me what you thought!

Reviews were getting better, but I still don't understand all the alerts and everything but little reviews. All you have to do is click the button and type anything! One little word or sentence, I don't care, just tell me if you liked it or not (:

The next chapter should be up in the next week sometime. I'll try my hardest to get things done though!

Thanks for reading!


	10. Stay Alive

**A/N:** Thanks to my lovely beta _greeneyesbrandy_ for her awesome beta skills (:

This chapter is a little different. You'll see why.

I didn't get many reviews last chapter, maybe three if I was lucky, so I was a little bummed about that. I thought it was a good chapter but whatever. Thanks a bunch to those of you who DID review; you're awesome and I love you! Edwards for everyone!

Let's try for more reviews this time, eh?

I don't own Twilight, obviously.

Enjoy!

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_When nothing you say is heard_

_And nobody cares if you hurt_

_And I know how it seems_

_You're nothing but screams_

_But take it from me it's not the end_

_And all that you try goes wrong_

_And nothing but lies for so long_

_And I know how it seems it's hard to believe_

_But take it from me it's not the end_

_Stuck_

_Keep moving_

_Stuck_

_Don't let it die_

_Stay alive, stay alive, because it's almost over now_

_Stay alive, stay alive, better days to come around_

_Nothing is right your head_

_And all of your tears are shed_

_I know how it seems_

_You're in this too deep_

_But take it from me it's not the end_

_Stuck_

_Keep moving_

_Stuck_

_Don't let it die_

**Smile Empty Soul - Stay Alive**

**

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**

**Tanya POV**

Its been a month. A fucking _month_ since Bella has called me. What the fuck, dude? I mean, I know things gets bad with her piece of shit Dad but we always talk once a week at the least. Now a month goes by and she doesn't pick up the phone? Somethings up and it definitely isn't good.

Bella and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. She needed to get away from her problems, I gave her a way out. I showed that bitch everything she knows and she taught me a few things in return. We partied like fucking rock stars when she was here. It sucked balls when she left but we're still close. There isn't a mother fucker on the planet that could replace my girl and I'm sure it's the same for her with me.

We just _get _each other. She knows when I need to suck it up and talk, and I know when to back the fuck off with her. We can read each other like a book. No one understands my shit better than B. No one could relate until I met her. She was going through the same type of shit I was going through. Her father beat her and mine did the same until he got clipped by my Mom. Ah, Sasha. Crazy bitch. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She gave me life. I fucking breathe because of her. However, like I said, she's a fucking crazy bitch.

I moved in with Grams a few months after all the shit went down with my parents. Mom got away with self defense and Dad got put six feet under-where he fucking belonged. Grams doesn't give a shit what I do, which is fan-fucking-tastic. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have a little get together at my house. Whether it's a little shindig in my room or a full on blow out, we party hard. Shit, sometimes Grams will come into the room to take a hit of whatever were smoking and a shot of whatever we're drinking, then carry on her marry fucking way. Grams is the shit.

I'm a happy person all the time. You wouldn't think that with my past, but I am. I know what everyone thinks, 'oh, she's just so fucked in the head, that's why she does the things she does! She doesn't know any better!' or 'her parents corrupted her. Poor thing'. Bullshit. I go to therapy for those people. I do the shit I do because I'm happy. I enjoy my life. You only live once and I'm going to live it to the fullest. If I could go back when I was going through school and both my parents were alive, I'd do more shit they said that I shouldn't. I wouldn't have it any other way. Fuck what everyone else thinks.

That's how B felt when I introduced my ways to her. She was ecstatic when she started to hang with me. I love that bitch for all that I'm worth. She was my wing man, so to speak. When I needed her, she was there, no questions asked. When I'd sneak into her house at night and crawl in bed with her after some depressing shit went through my head, she wouldn't say anything. She'd just pull the covers down for me and tell me goodnight.

We had each others backs. We kept each other sane.

That's why, a month of no word, I'm freaking the fuck out. I do NOT freak out about anything. _Anything_.

Now I'm sitting on my bed with a ringing phone to my ear and waiting for the bitch to answer.

"Hello?"

I barely heard her. When I did, I was speechless.

It's like she wasn't even there. Her voice was so empty. It held no life, no spirit or soul. This is what I was afraid of when she moved. I wasn't going to be there to protect her and Charlie was going to suck the life right out of her.

"Prick!" I screamed.

She didn't even say anything in return. I didn't even hear her breathing. Although I didn't need to check to phone to see if she was still on the other end. I knew she was there-there in body, any how-because I could feel her. I could tell she needed me. Who the fuck was I to deny helping my best friend in her lowest time?

"B, what the _fuck _happened?!" I wasn't playing anymore. Something bad happened to take the life out of my shining bff. That was the thing about Bella though. It didn't matter what Charlie or Renee did, it didn't matter about anything that happened to her, she was always fucking smiling. She always had such life about her. I was about to admit something to hear that I haven't done in my entire life.

"B, talk to me, I'm scared."

Nothing.

She was gone. Far gone. I have to take this shit in my own hands.

"Isabella Marie Swan, what the fuck did he do!? I swear to everything that is Holy, that mother fucker is going to fucking pay!" I heard a small grunt, though I'm sure she couldn't hear me, where ever her mind was right now.

"Bella, listen to me sweet heart. Okay? I know it's hard but you haven't to come back a little bit and listen."

Another grunt, though this one was more pronounced.

"Good. Okay, B. I'm going to buy a round trip ticket from there to here, okay? For this Friday until Sunday. You have to come back B. I'm not just talking about Phoenix either. Be at the airport by four. I'll have them hold your ticket or something, don't worry, I'll figure something out. Can you be at the airport at four B?"

"Yes."

I let out a huff of air. She'd talked. Barely and emptily, but it was there.

"B, I'm fucking worried sick about you! When you get down here, I'm going to give you the time of your life and you will have no choice but to feel something and come back, okay? You can't let him do this Bells. You have to hold on! You have to keep fighting!"

Another grunt, this time, less audible, farther away. I was losing her.

"I'm going to get everything settled. Just be at the airport at four. I love you girl, remember that." I hung up, not waiting for a reply because I knew I wouldn't get one.

I threw my phone at my wall and luckily it didn't break. I shoved my fists in my eyes to will the tears to stay the fuck where they were. Tanya Denali does not fucking cry. About anything. Period. But fuck! Bella didn't deserve this shit from Charlie. She was such a good person! She loved to read, she made good grades. She was one fun bitch to party with, also. What the fuck did she ever do to deserve this life?!

"Fuck!" I screamed as a lonesome tear strolled down my cheek.

I didn't need this shit. I couldn't cry for Bella because, dammit, we were both stronger than this. We would get through this together. She was there for me through everything with my parents and then some. She picked me up when I was at rock bottom. Now that she'd hit hers, I was determined to bring her back.

I knew just the way to do it, too.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Flight 124 has now arrived."

"About fucking time," I grumbled, standing from my seat and heading to the baggage claim to wait. Bella's flight should have been here two fucking hours ago, but noo! It couldn't be on time! It's not like my best friend wasn't dying on the inside or anything! It wasn't like her soul was being eaten alive by the blackness of Charlies heart!

I pushed past people, shoving anyone in my way. Fuck them. I was fucking irritable today. Don't ask me why. Though, the two and a half hours I sat in the uncomfortable damn chair could have been the reason. Bullshit.

I stood by, peaking over heads, looking for Bella. It took ten agonizing minutes, but I finally spotted her. When I did, I couldn't help the intake of breath that quickly entered my lungs.

She looked so _broken_. Like she wasn't inside her body at all. She looked lifeless. That son of a bitch did this to her. I've never seen Bella like she is now. She's always happy, always looking to the bright side of things. What had changed? What had he done to take the sunshine out of my best friend?

I had to fix this. She needed me now more than ever.

I don't think she saw me, but when I asked her if she was ready to come back, she just nodded like she hardly heard me speak. She had no hope left in her to get through this. I could practically taste it in the air. Every breath I took around her was tainted with emptiness. She gave off waves of her hope and life leaving her body by the pounds. Every step she took, her frown deepened, her eyes lost a little bit of life that was left. She disappeared that much more with every move she made. It was fucking killing me seeing her like this. She didn't need this shit. She deserved to be happy. She deserved to fucking smile God dammit!

I was going to do anything and everything in my power to get that smile back on her face. When she went home on Sunday, she would be patched up and so much stronger than she was when she arrived. I was determined to get Bella's life back in her eyes.

All we had to do was make it to the house and the process would begin.

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**A/N:** For the record, I wasn't a Tanya fan in any of the Twilight books, but I wanted to switch things up. So I made her be friends with Bella and made her kick ass.

Next chapter will be BPOV.

I'm considering writing an EPOV outtake for when Bella was zombified. It will show what he saw, when he'd try to talk to her and when he showed up at her house that day.

It might not be for a while though.

So review and keep me up to date on how you liked this chapter, if you liked it at all.

Next chapter should be up sometime next week, I hope. I'm working on it now.

Thanks for reading!


	11. Break Your Knees

**A/N: **Here's the new chapter. Thanks to my beta's _greeneyesbrandy_ & _aecarlso_ you guys are amazing!

So I'm trying to update more often, but I'm trying to rid my house of the smallest mouse I've ever seen. Doesn't matter how small it is though, still gives me the heebie jeebies. I've decided to name him Mickey. Ironic, huh? Well, the only way we can get rid of it is to get a mouse trap so I'm pretty upset. I don't like killing animals or bugs. I'm the catch and release kinda chick. I'll let you know when the impending funeral is coming.

I own nothing.

I also have nothing else to say. On with the show!

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_Don't look at the past again_

_The first and last has made everything new_

_And you are too_

_So lift your head_

_And let your story be told_

_Life on earth will end for all conceived_

_And prove to be only a breath,_

_A mist, a womb for what's to come_

_How soon forever arrives_

_The sun will set on this my dear_

_Your labors aren't in vain_

_You're blistered and you're burned from it_

_Your wounds are gonna heal (forever arrives)_

**Flyleaf - Break Your Knees**

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**BPOV**

Tanya grabbed my arm and pulled me outside to the waiting Buick sitting by the curb. Her grandma never cared when she took her car and since she didn't have one of her own, this was the only option. I didn't care what we drove in, honestly. As long as we got there.

As we drove down the highway, the car filled with silence as I stared blankly out the window and Tanya drove, keeping her eyes straight ahead.

I knew she was worried about me, but fuck, I didn't know what to do about it after a month of this shit. I couldn't remember how to feel anymore. I reveled in the feeling of emptiness but there was something nagging at me that I couldn't quite place. I wasn't accustom to thinking much lately either. I would just let everything sort of happen. Now that I was trying to utilize my mind and emotions, it seemed like a lost cause. I tried to feel happy about being here with Tanya, miles away from Charlie, but I couldn't, no matter how I tried I couldn't escape the black hole I'd sunk myself into. I wanted to smile and be happy to see Tanya after all this time. I was scared that if I came out of my empty mind, I wouldn't be able to find my way back. Things were better this way. I had no troubles. I'd sit and wait things out, wait for the impending doom.

Suddenly, my car door opened and I jumped back into my seat in shock. That was before a I chanced a look around and noticed we were in T's driveway and she was the one who opened the door, waiting for me patiently.

_How the hell did I daydream away a two hour drive?_

I shook my head to clear it, which was a pointless act seeing as my mind had been empty for weeks.

I got out of the car and followed Tanya into her house. As we walked into the tiny living area, I noticed her grandma sitting on her grandma sat on the couch watching 'Murder She Wrote'.

Huh. I guess it's true that old people love that show.

Tanya continued pulling me through her small house until we reached her room. The house only held two small bedrooms, one tiny bathroom, and a joined kitchen and living room. It was an odd set up, but fuckawesome when you have parties or have the munchies. I could recall all the times we would be watching 'Grandma's Boy' after smoking out and want something to eat. We never had to miss a single robo-bitch or DDR joke since the rooms were connected.

There was a down side to it though. The house was small so when we'd throw major parties, bodies would be packed everywhere.

Tanya pulled me down onto her bed and started moving her mouth.

I tried to hear her, really I did, but being completely shut down for the last however-long doesn't really help the hearing department. She started snapping her fingers in front of my face to get my spaced out eyes to focus.

I regained myself somehow and looked at her expectantly.

"B, what the fuck dude? I know you aren't going to say anything so sit there and fucking listen," she started. I knew she was about to have a shit bad rant, so I focused the best I could manage. "Listen man, I know shit with your old man is fucked, okay? I know this and you know I know what you're going through. You can't do this to yourself. You can't just shut the fuck down and let him do whatever he wants Bells. You can't let him beat you without even putting up a fight. I know you B, you're a fucking fighter. You've fought for something normal your entire life. When I talked to you a few months ago, you sounded fucking happy. You were talking about those dudes you met at school and I got excited for you. I thought you would find someone up there in that shithole town to help you out with your shit since I can't from here. You had hope in your voice. Then that prick does some punching practice again and you just, disappear. There's nothing in your eyes B. You can't do this shit, man. I know it's the easiest way out, I fucking know that, but it's not what's best. You're going to go through school and go away to college, get a job and fall in love with someone. You're going to live a happy life B, but you can't do that if you give up. You always told me to never give up because I wouldn't want to look back on my life and see that I gave up my life for nothing. Bella, you're doing that now. You can't go down without swinging. You have to have some pride, man! I know that spit fire best friend of mine is in there somewhere. The one who talked shit and stood up to her sperm doner father and could take a shotgun like no bodys fucking business." She took a second to breathe in a shuddering breath.

"Bells, I hate seeing you like this. You have to live your life to the fullest. You have to keep going. You'll never know if you can find a way out of this if you stop trying. If you don't, then he's already killed you without even laying a final hand on you."

She was crying in hysterics now. Tanya, my best friend, with the armor of steel, who can hold emotions inside for fucking years, is sitting in front of me crying.

All because I gave up. I quit trying to live. I forfeited my entire being for nothing. She was right, I know she was, but fuck this shit is hard. The only reason I'm not blowing up on her and telling her she had no idea what I was going through and to fuck off, is because she does know what I'm going through. She went through the same, if not worse, shit with her dad.

Who the fuck have I become? I'm an empty shell of nothing but air and space. And for what? A piece of shit that liked to throw me around every once in a while? Fuck that! Why should I give him the luxury of me never putting up a fight? What had he done that would cause this to be easy on him? Shit, if he wanted a fight, I was going to give him one.

As soon as I recovered from 'Night of the Living Dead' and was home with some dignity.

Tanya was so right it hurt. I needed to buck the fuck up and get my life back. What life I had at least. I could live the life I wanted. I did the first day at school when I met the fuckawesome gang. They were people I could see me spending time with everyday. I could have the time of my life and Charlie would never know unless he busted me.

So what happens if I stayed like this and Charlie pushed it too far one day? What would I have to leave with? Nothing. I didn't try to do anything. I would die at his hands and have nothing. I owed myself and those around me to have some sort of life. Especially myself.

Tanya was going to help me come back from the Twilight Zone and when I got home, I knew exactly what the fuck I was going to do; party like a fucking rock star with my new peeps.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Tanya suddenly stopping her crying and staring at me with a gleam in her eye.

Then she smiled. I smiled in return.

Than she pounced.

"B! You're back! Well, somewhat. Fuck, man, you had me scared shitless."

I sighed, feeling like shit for putting her through that.

"I'm sorry Tanya. Really, I'm okay right now, so can we not talk about it and get this party started? I know while I'm here I'm not going to have a moment of soberness, so lets get this shit started," I said, pushing her off me and sitting back up right on her bed.

She squealed, just like Alice would do. Alice. Fuck I missed her. I know her and Edward kept coming into my view almost everyday and now I felt like shit for ignoring them. Sure, I thought it was best, but what Charlie won't know won't hurt him, right? The whole gang was just trying to be my friend and I pushed them away because of Charlie. i don't owe that bastard shit. I deserved their friendship and I had to get it back. One thing at a time though.

I wanted to call them really quick to say I'm sorry and all that shit to reassure them I'm okay.

"T, I'm going to step outside to make a phone call okay?"

She looked at me knowingly and nodded, "Sure hun, take your time. I'll have a surprise for you when you get back inside." She winked as I got off the bed to grab my phone.

"Dude, you sounded totally lesbian just now," I chuckled.

"Shit B, you know I love the cock."

I nodded and kept laughing as I walked to the front door. Laughing felt so foreign to me now. Everything did. Smiling, talking, listening. I needed a fucking reality check and with T's little speech in there, I got a piece of one. I knew I'd be doing a lot more smiling and laughing this weekend. I was going to let loose and live my life.

I stood on the porch and hit the green button on my phone.

"Hello?" asked a chipper voice.

"Hey, Alice, it's Bella." I was very concerned about how she would take me calling. I mean, I kind of, sort of, blew her off for the last month or so.

"Bella! Oh my gosh, I've been so worried about you! I've tried to talk to you everyday in class and nothing! Then Edward said he went to your house and you shut the door on his face, and oh my gosh, are you okay?!" she sounded frantic.

"Look Alice, I'm really sorry how I've been acting. I was going through some shit and just, I don't know what came over me."

"All is forgiven my friend, trust me. So where are you? We were thinking of having a get together with just the gang, so wanna join?" she sounded hopeful.

"Um, well, I would love to, really I would, but I'm kind of, in Phoenix."

"Wow! That's awesome Bella. Visiting old friends? Well, no worries. We'll just have to throw a coming home get together when you get back! When are you coming back? You are coming back, right?!"

I couldn't help but laugh at her. "Of course I'm coming back, Al. I'll be back sometime Sunday, so I'll see you on Monday, okay?"

"Awesome! The gangs waiting on me anyways. I'll smoke one for you Bells."

"Okay Al, that sounds like a plan. I'll do the same for you."

"Kay. Bye!"

"Wait!" I couldn't stop the word from launching out of my mouth.

"Yeahhh?" she sounded confused.

"Um, tell Edward I'm really sorry, okay? Just tell him I had some shit going on and everything okay? Oh, and no offense to the others, but could you keep it quiet? I feel like I know you two better somehow."

"No problamo Belly! I'll be sure to let him know!"

"Thanks Al. I'll talk to you soon."

We said our goodbyes and I realized I had a huge shit eating grin on my face.

I was giving Alice a nickname, though it was just her name minus three letters, and she said 'friend' and I didn't cringe or anything. I was definitely making an improvement on my new mind set.

When I got back to Tanya room, she had a long mirror on her bed with six lines of pills, two pieces of a drinking straw, and a card she was using to even the lines.

"T, what the fuck are you doing?" I asked, sitting back down.

"Bells, I know you pop some pills here and there, put really, snorting them is so much better. The effects are faster and shit. Here," she handed me a straw end and took the other herself.

"Watch, it's easy as Madonna."

She stuck the straw end to her left nostril and clamped the other shut with her right pointer finger. She leaned down towards the mirror and inhaled the pill dust through her nose so fast I almost missed it.

"What the fuck Tan? Where'd you learn that shit?" I laughed as she pushed the mirror towards me.

"Right after you left. I started fluffing pills and snorting them with some of the old gang and picked up a new nickname."

"What the fuck is it, Hoover?" I repeated the action she showed me and felt the pill particles slide into my nose. Though I didn't do it in one quick sweep like her, it only took me a few extra snorts.

Tanya busted out laughing, "No, it was actually Red Devil, you know, since I have some red in my hair, but shit man, I like yours better!"

She saw me fiddling with my nose and jumped up.

"Oh! Come with!" She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the tiny bathrom next to her room.

She turned on the sink to an extreme low so there was barely any water running and stuck her finger under it so there was some about to drip from the tip.

She look at me pointedly and tipped her head back before letting the water drip down her pill filled nose.

"It helps with drainage and shit. It runs all the powder from the nostril out so its not all clogged."

I nodded in understanding and repeated the action.

As I did so, I felt the drainage she was talking about. It's like the entire pill started going from my nasal cavity straight to my mouth and throat. It was a bitter taste, like letting a pill dissolve itself in your mouth.

I must've made a face because Tanya laughed and said "I know, it's a shitty taste. Some people love drainage and others loathe it. Eh, we have a mutaul love/hate relationship."

I started licking my gums, noticing they were completely numb and felt fucking awesome.

Tanya just nodded and headed back to the bedroom where she proceeded to roll the fastest blunt I've seen in a long fucking time and light it.

And so the fun began.

* * *

"Get her T! Fuck em up!" I yelled at Tanya as she and some dark haired bitch sumo wrestled on the little mat someone set up outside.

I took another swig of the mixed drink I made and went back to cheering. When I say mixed drink, I mean, I was so fucked up that the alcohol couldn't be tasted anymore so I grabbed a shot of every alcohol in the house and put them all in one big ass cup. It was my thing, everyone knew that.

It was known as 'The Bella Surprise'. Fuck yeah I have my own drink, wanna fight about it? Nah, didn't think so.

Anyways, back to sumo wrestling in the backyard.

Tanya was in the suit with the red sumo thong and the other bitch was in the blue. She was pushing the other bitch toward the outside line when the bitch bent down and clipped her legs. Being the drunk shit Tanya is, she toppled backwards and fell.

"Fuck that shit T! Get up!" I screamed.

It was now Saturday night and I have been fucked out of my mind for as long as I've been here. We couldn't have major shit all hours of the night since cops could come and what-not, so early hours of morning we'd have our little group of friends inside the house and reminisce about the old days. I was fucking ecstatic when I saw the old guys again. I haven't been gone long I know, but fuck, when you're gone at all, time seems to pass like crazy.

I got to catch up with Paul and his brother Jared. They were cool cats. They were a few years older than us but cool as fuck. Sam is dating Emily, whom is Jared and Pauls sister. Sam was dating Leah until they broke up and Leah is... fuck I'm too drunk for this shit.

Whatever. I caught up with everyone and met this guy Garrett Tanya seems to have suddenly taken a liking to. I saw them together yesterday and they are cute as fuck together. I noticed he never once looked up and down another bitches body and acted like Tanya was the only one in the room, as the same for her. It would be kind of scary if it didn't seem so damn adorable and exhilirating. I bet they fuck like rabbits.

"I think Tanya's got the bitch," someone said to my side.

I looked back to the mat and saw Tanya was once again on her feet and they were circling again. Out of nowhere the girl launched for Tanya and T did a quick side step that surprised the fuck out of me since she was as toasted as I was, and sent the girl flying into the crowd and off the mat.

She raised her hands in victory and screamed out.

I saw it was an old friend Jacob Black that had spoken but that was just by the glance I shot his way before making my way to Tanya on the mat.

"You did it babe!" I slurred.

"What'd you say, B? I can't understand you. Are you that fucked up? The parties just getting started!" she yelled, jumping up and down like rocky.

_Huh. I thought what I said was perfectly clear. Fuck, I must be toasted._

Suddenly a thought came into my mind and I fucking lost my shit. I landed on the ground laughing so hard. I think it was mainly because of the drugs and alcohol in my system because really it wasn't that funny.

"What?" Tanya asked, standing above me in her sumo outift still, causing me to laugh even more.

The giggles got so bad they were the silent ones. You know, where you start laughing so hard you can't breath, tears are running down your face and you aren't making any noise? Well, I was past that.

I got my shit together enough to tell Tanya what was so funny.

"Dude, I bet... I sounded like... Barry from... Beerfest when they played Asshole... and he got smashed..." I couldn't quit laughing.

I'm guessing Tanya heard me because soon she was joined in the giggle fits.

After we got ourselves together we went inside to chill out.

We headed to the living room and sat on the couch. People knew not to sit in the middle or right side; those were our spots. You take our spots, you get your ass kicked. Everyone was standing around drinking, smoking, listening to music and generally having a good fucking time.

We didn't play drinking games or pong shit or whatever. We just tipped our cups and drank. We didn't need petty shit to get us fucked up and we knew that much.

We sat people watching for a while before Garrett claimed the spot next to Tanya, grabbing her full attention.

I didn't mind. He wasn't around all the time and knew we needed our time to catch up so he could steal her for a little bit.

I took another long drink from my cup and noticed it was almost empty. I frowned before I felt someone place themselves on the arm of the couch next to me.

"Need a refill?" Jacob asked.

Now, don't get me wrong, Jacob's a cool cat too. He's handsome and all that jazz, but so not my type. I don't know why, but suddenly a vision of bronze hair and fuckawesome green eyes popped into my mind. I quickly shook it off.

"Nah, I'm drinking the Bella Surprise so you couldn't get it right anyways," I answer, polishing off what was left.

I've known Jacob longer than I've known Tanya. He was cool and stood up for me when I was still a little push over, but he liked me more than good-friend-I-see-as-an-older-sister type. I didn't feel the same, obviously. He just didn't get it. Lately, Tanya told me he's been finding himself in the beds of lots of chicks and was started to get a big head, no pun intended, not to mention a hot head at that. She said he's always getting into fights at school, whether they be female or male. With males it's physical, with female, verbal. He better not start his shit with me becuase I was a mean drunk sometimes and was just itching for someone to fuck with me. I needed to let my agression out. Maybe I should try out the sumo mat.

"Come on, B. You know I can mix random liquor just as well as you can."

_Snap._

I'm sorry, that was my last nerve breaking.

He hit two sore spots in the tiny sentence. No one calls me B but Tanya and he knows that. Secondly, the Bella Surprise is a Bella Surprise for a fucking reason. No one can make that shit but me.

I told him as much. "Jake, don't fucking call me that. You know just as well as I do that you can't make my drink so fuck off."

"Fuck Bells, why you being such a bitch! I was trying to be nice. What the fuck happened to you? Daddy not give you enough money to buy booze with, is that it?" he snapped.

I cackled darkly. Tanya must have heard him because whatever she was talking to Garrett about was forgotten as she whipped her head in our direction.

I stood up with a dark smile on my face and stood toe to toe with Jacob Black, the mother fucker who was about to regret fucking with one Bella Swan.

"Jacob. You have no fucking clue what has happened to me," I snarled. I glared. I was fuming. "Don't act like you know me. Don't pretend you understand. Back the fuck off." I was right in his face now. I'm sure he could feel spit hitting his face with my words.

He stared in shock before squaring his shoulders and puffing out his chest.

He's going to make a big fucking mistake.

"Listen bitch, I'm sure you're use to everything going your way and people letting you talk to them however you want but not me. I don't stand for that shit. Now apologize, princess." He smirked at me.

"Apologize?! Excuse me?! You want _me_ to apologize to _you_?!"he nodded.

I grabbed Garrett's full cup of liquor and threw it in Jacob's face. He stood and yelled in pain from the stinging in his eyes.

"Here's your fucking apology, asshole." With that, I kneed him in the balls before grabbing his wrists and pulling down, successfully kneeing him in the nose with the same leg.

He flew back, one hand on each damaged good, yelling expletives.

"Fuck! Bella you're such a bitch! What the fuck was that for?!"

"Jake, I suggest you get the fuck out of this house before things get much worse. You don't know what the fuck I've been through. You can walk around and treat every person around here with disrespect, but you won't do that to me. I've put up with a lot of shit in my life but I'm drawing the line. It's about damn time I stood up for myself, starting with you."

He just stood there, staring blankly at me.

"Get. The fuck. OUT!" I yelled one last time before he scrambled towards the front door and left.

"Hell yeah!" Tanya screeched, pulling me into a hug.

I was still pissed as hell but I couldn't help but feel proud of myself. I've never stood up for myself like that with anyone. Sure, I've been in my fair share of fights with bitches who think they're shit don't stink or who have started it, but I've never off and pummeled someone because they were blatantly talking down to me. I felt a swell of pride.

It was in that moment that I knew I could do this. I could go back to Forks and have a happy life outside of my home. I could stand up to Charlie and let him know I'm not going down without a fight.

I was feeling several things in that moment too. First of all, of course, was the alcohol which had a lot of help in pushing me to stand up to dick head Jake, but there was more than that. I didn't feel so consumed in fear as I had my entire life. I still felt it, it wasn't as much, but it was deep down in me, boiling below the surface. No, much greater than that was determination. I was determined to put Charlie in his place and stand my ground.

I've let him push me around for too damn long. I'd had enough of his bullshit.

I just hoped the courage I felt stuck around until I got home and actually had to face the monster that is Charlie.

* * *

The rest of the night went on without incident. After Jake left, bloodied and deflated, Tanya shoved a blunt in my face and told me to chill out and have a good time. So I did. We hung out with everyone who came by the couch because we didn't move from the spot the rest of the time. We were drunk and baked beyond belief. There was no way we were moving successfully.

We stayed up all night hanging out and toking up, and before we knew it, the sun was high in the sky and my flight was right around the bend.

I hadn't slept the entire weekend I was there, so I was pretty fucked. I smelled of weed and booze so I decided to take an hour long shower to rid myself of the stench.

When I got out, Tanya had all my things packed in my little carry on bag and was holding a bottle.

"What's that?" I asked, nodding towards the bottle.

"It's a present from me! I put an ounce or so of green in your bag. Don't worry, I put it inside a pair of panties and rolled them in some jeans. Even through the x-ray thing they won't see it. These little bad boys," she shook the bottle, "Are the greatest things to ever come to pharmacudical knowledge. Just one will knock you on your ass."

She had this gleam in her eye as she studied the bottle. Like she was seeing love at first sight or some shit.

"What the fuck are they T?" I asked, a little tired of being out of the know.

"Oxy's."

Now I've heard of Oxycontin's before when I lived down here, but I wasn't all that into pills then. Now I'm a little more experienced in the department and couldn't help the drool that spilled over my lip.

"Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!!" I yelled, reaching towards the bottle like a little kid reaching for a lollipop.

Oxycontin's were the strongest pill I would ever touch. They were strong and could put you on cloud fucking twenty for two days. Cloud nine wasn't high enough for these bitches. I'd done it once when I was still living here, but that was it. That shit was the extreme.

"Ah, ah, ah. Rules. I have to talk to you about this shit Bells," she chided.

I nodded in understanding. She was like this sometimes. She would give me 'the talk' every now and then when I'd have Lortabs or in the rare occasion I'd have pills on me.

"Now you know these are strong. These are Oxy 80's. They will kick your ass but give you the best feeling you've experienced with a pill that won't put you to sleep for three days like Flexirel. This shit is fuckawesome if you take it the right way. It's a time-release formulation and it will keep you high for as long as you want, pretty fucking much."

I chuckled at her. Tanya did her best to explain shit when really she didn't have a clue what she was talking about either. I have to give her props though, at least she tries.

"Anyways, don't take a whole one at first. If you don't have a tolerance for them you could OD and shit. So start off with just half for the first times you take them and after a while you can take a whole one. You might even want to start with a quarter and work your way up." She stopped talking for a second and looked like she was contemplating something. "Yeah, start with quarters then go to halves. It'll work your tolerance up better."

She handed me the bottle and I inspected it, seeing my name on the label.

"How the hell is my name on here?" I asked.

"I have some hook ups in pharmacy shit and they put it on there for me. That way if they actually do find the bottle at the airport, it has your name on it and they can't do shit about it." She smiled, looking damn proud of herself.

I gave her a hug and put the bottle in my purse. "T, you know how to make a girl happy. I know I'll need to pay you for the plane ticket. And the green. And the pills." We both laughed at this. "I promise, when I'm famous and bringing in millions, I won't forget the little people," I said, throwing her a wink.

She laughed and swatted at me, "Fuck off. Get your shit together. Your flight leaves in three hours. Charlie should still be gone, right?"

I nodded. She knew Charlie was always gone on the weekends. I couldn't remember the last time he actually was home on a weekend.

We gathered my things and got in the car to start the drive towards the airport.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there's that. I know it seems like I went through her weekend pretty fast and there weren't many details, but all it would be is drinking and drugs and shit and nothing interesting, so I just added the Jacob part in there for kicks. People were asking if Jacob was going to be in it, so there you go ;)

This chapter was longer than others, so I hope it was okay.

I'm trying to hurry up and finish this story so I can start on my other one. I have everything in my head how this will play out, so sit tight. The gang is going to start showing up more now that Bella had decided to be free and live life for once.

Oh and don't worry, Edward will be there the entire time.

He's going to confront her soon, so stay with me. I'm not sure how many chapters until they start discovering what the other knows, so keep reading and it will pop up sometime in the near future.

Review loveys!


	12. Halls of Illusions

**A/N:** I don't own.

Let's get on with it, eh?

* * *

_Back to reality and what you're about_

_Your wife can't smile cuz ya knocked her teeth out_

_And she can't see straight from gettin hit_

_Cuz you're a fat fuckin drunk piece of shit_

_But it's all good here, come have a beer_

_I'll break the top off it and shove it in ya ear_

_And you're death comes wicked painful and slow_

_At tha hands of MILENKO! _

_

* * *

  
_

**BPOV**

After a heart-filled goodbye, a six hour flight and a long drive, I finally made it back home on Sunday. Charlie wasn't waiting with a shotgun in his hand for me, so I assumed he hadn't come home all weekend and didn't know I'd left the state. Plus side, right? He was still going on his weekly-weekend fishing trips, so it was easy for me to slip away for a few days unnoticed.

I stumbled to my room and flopped on my bed, blacking out into sleep instantly.

***

I woke some hours later and saw my room encased in darkness. I glanced at my clock and noticed it read four in the morning. _Great_, I thought sarcastically. I caught up on all the sleep I missed in Phoenix and there was no way I was falling back asleep.

I got out of bed and took a long, hot shower to wash all the grime from the party off of me. After a good forty-five minutes, I was clean, dressed and standing in my room. I had to go to school today, but there was no reason I couldn't be inebriated while there.

I smirked to myself and pulled out some blunt wraps and the weed I had leftover from before Phoenix. I picked up my lighter, cigarette pack and the bag of remaining pills from Charlies room and headed to the roof.

I could hear the snores of my drunken father emanating from his room, so I tiptoed the rest of the way to the attic and successfully landed on the shingles without mishap.

I sat down and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to rid the goosebumps away. It was fucking freezing out and I hadn't grabbed anything to keep me warm.

_Oh well._

I grabbed my supplies to happy land and expertly rolled a nice, fat blunt before lighting it and hitting it hard.

I held it in as long as I could before the burn in my lungs became too much to bare. As soon as I exhaled wanting to relieve my lungs, it had the opposite effect, because as soon as I released the smoke, I started hacking so hard I couldn't breathe. My throat started hurting and my chest was constricting painfully. I coughed for a good three minutes before I regained my composure.

"Shit," I said, swallowing thickly.

After coughing up my right lung, I continued with smaller hits, but they were just as effective. Eventually, I was fuzzy all over and couldn't feel the cold breeze stabbing at my skin, or the misty rain pelting on my face. The coughing just enhanced my buzz.

I was feeling good.

In this state of _un_-mind, I let my thoughts drift to wherever they wanted and wasn't all that surprised when bronze hair and emerald eyes popped into my head.

I don't know what it was about that boy, but I found myself thinking about him more and more lately. We never really spoke all that much and weren't really classified as friends, but I just felt so drawn to him. After that day at school in the parking lot, I couldn't rid myself of the feeling to tell him everything, all the secrets I held inside of my head. I wanted him to trace all my scars with his long, pale fingers and tell the story behind each one. I wanted him to comfort me and tell me I would be okay, even if I wouldn't. Because sometimes, that's what you need to hear. People hear someone tell them something sad and the person listening, their first reaction is to apologize and say everything will be okay, even if it's not. They may pretend they don't want to hear it because they know it's a lie, but no one can help that little swell of hope inside them that believes those little words so fully and completely that they hang on to it with all they have. They know it won't be okay, but just hearing it will be from someone who truly cares somehow makes it okay in a weird way. It doesn't take the pain away and doesn't change the outcome but that speck of hope keeps them fighting for normality even when it's a lost cause.

Because that's what you have to do. You have to fight. I had a reason to fight, I just didn't know it at the time.

I sat on the roof of the house and smoked my weed and cigarette's while watching the sun come up. It was a surreal experience. Being high makes everything better. Watching something that is already so beautiful and makes things better on its own, while smoking was just indescribable. Watching the sunrise made me feel like I was in a whole other world. A world where it was just me. No Charlie, no Renee, no school, nothing. It was just me and the beautiful sun. In that moment, in that time, I truly felt like everything would be okay.

***

I pulled into the parking lot and shut off the engine of my truck. I smoked too much this morning and snorted two random pills from the Charlie stash before I left so I barely made it to school in one piece. I wobbled out of my truck and headed for the group of people with the fancy cars and marijuana smell.

Alice noticed me first.

"Bella!" she squealed, while running up to me to capture me in a hug so tight it seemed impossible for tiny body to complete.

"Hey, Alice," I said, hugging her back.

Was it just me, or were my words a little slurred and dragged out?

It must not have been because as soon as Alice released me, she gave me a concerned look that clearly asked, 'are you okay?'. I noticed all the others but Edward giving me the same look. He was looking down, frowning.

I shrugged, "I'm fine Ali! Peachy keen!"

I smiled and walked over to Edwards Volvo to lean against it next to him.

"Hey," I said, while elbowing him playfully to get his attention.

He looked up at me before returning to staring at the most interesting rock in the world next to his shoe, before mumbling out a 'hey'.

"Can we talk?" I asked. I felt the need to apologize. I'd been a horrible person to everyone, but him more than others. I shunned him due to the connection we had and I wanted that back. I needed to clear the air. Start over.

He nodded and walked to the tree line we were at as many days ago.

The others ignored us and continued on with whatever they were discussing.

I sat on the fallen tree and patted the spot next to me for him to join me.

He sat a good foot from me but that didn't stop the fucking electric buzz from bouncing over that space and right into my body.

I wanted to pull him closer to me, feel his warmth sidled up to mine. I couldn't do that if I was going to concentrate though. It was going to be hard enough as fucked up as I was in the first place, so I kept the distance there, though I did frown at it.

Neither of us spoke for a good minute. I was the one who asked to talk so I felt the need to speak first.

I took a deep breath and started.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said.

"For what?" he asked, looking confused, but still staring down.

"Look, I know I've been acting weird and distant and shit, and I'm sorry. None of you did anything wrong and I've been pushing you all away. You especially."

He wasn't saying anything, but his brow was furrowed. I started rambling out of nervousness.

"I just, you know, feel really close to you for some reason. I feel like I can trust you to listen to me when I need to talk and that's my biggest problem. I'm afraid to say too much around you and that scares me. Shit, I'm doing it again. See! I lose all focus when I get around you and I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing yet. I want to be friends with you guys but I have to keep you at a distance. That's were you come in. I don't want to put that distance between us and I've never felt that way before. Shit, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore." I stopped and took a deep breathe since I'd used it all in my speech. Pathetic.

Edward finally looked up and stared straight into my eyes. "Why are you afraid to say too much, Bella?" he asked.

My eyes widened and I tried to look away from his penetrating gaze, but I was locked.

I gulped and took in his expression. It was odd. It was like he was waiting for something, expectant. He looked on edge and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

I sighed. "Please, Edward. Just trust me. I'm sorry I can't tell you anything right now, but maybe one day, okay? I know I can trust you and tell you anything, but I need to trust myself first. One day we'll talk, but right now, today?" I shook my head, running out of ways to get him to understand that talking was not plausible. I really didn't know if we'd ever talk about my life and the trauma it held, but I needed to give him something. I had to give him a reason to quiet trying to pry information out of me that was better left unsaid.

His gaze softened and he looked thoughtful before nodding his head in what I hoped was agreement.

"I trust you."

Those three little words were going to be the death of me.

***

For the next couple weeks, I hung out with the gang, mostly Alice and Edward. Edward and I were the singled out duo, so in most situations we were thrown together. Not that I was complaining. We all became pretty close. Edward was quickly becoming my best friend. We goofed off in class, hung out at whomever's house we were at, got fucked up together and were basically attached at the hip.

That was the scary part.

I could feel something brewing beneath the surface. Nothing good in my life ever stuck around for long. It's either willingly removed from my life, or forcefully. I was constantly on edge, glancing over my shoulder at all times, waiting for the inevitable. I knew something was coming. We were just in the eye of the storm. Charlie hadn't said anything to me in over a month and it was really starting to paranoy me. When he'd be silent for a few days, or a week at most, he'd blow up something catastrophic. Shit would hit the fan. Hard. It would be the smallest thing that would set him off. Now it's been almost two months and no word? Fucking nuke's were coming my way. I just needed to be prepared for it.

***

A month and two days of silence, shit finally hit the fan. And it was in the form of an overdose.

Nuke's had nothing compared to the shit headed my way.

* * *

_And when you get to the end you'll find a chair_

_You see all the blood, yeah your boy was just here_

_We get all different kind of people comin through_

_Richies, chickens and bitches just like you_

_In the Halls everybody gets a turn_

_To sit and witness your illusion before you burn_

**ICP (Insane Clown Posse) - Halls of Illusion**

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**A/N:** Yeah, I know. I'm a shitty fic writer. No updates and when I do, it's short as shit?

Sorry followers. I was in a funk and couldn't write. But I'm back now!

Shit is definitely about to hit the fan, so sit tight.

Visit the halls of illusion before the next chapter.

You're probably going to need it.


	13. Death Blooms

**A/N:** Thanks to _aecarlso_ for her awesome beta skills. Even after all my not writing anything, she still comes in and kicks ass.

One more time in case you haven't figured it out yet, I don't own these people, got it?

On with the show...

* * *

_I just want to run around_

_Fly kites_

_Wrestle_

_Jump and play_

_Swim through waves that crash_

_To shore_

_Memories in me_

_Cocooned in misery_

_

* * *

  
_

**BPOV**

It's been two months. Two fucking months and nothing from Charlie. I'm scared shitless. He's never home when I walk in from school and still isn't there when I pass out at night. He's only there in the mornings and the only reason I know that is because I can hear his snores through the thin walls.

The paranoia from Charlie is causing me to want to be prepared. I know when shit starts I'm going to want to be numb so I can't feel the inevitable blows. I've been smoking more and am used to the Oxy's by now. Over the past two months I've been taking them in increments and slowly increasing them as I go along. I've been taking a whole pill for a few days now.

It's fucking bliss.

I feel like I'm in my own little bubble and the world around me doesn't matter-except Edward of course. I'm numb to the core and I feel fucking amazing. Nothing matters when I'm on this high. I've never been this fucked up by a pill and I've grown so attached to that feeling. Every morning before school I'm crushing a pill and snorting it up my nose.

I haven't told anyone about the Oxy's. Especially not Edward.

We've become really close over time and he knows about the shit I do. He knows I pop pills and smoke weed with the occasional drink to wash it down. He doesn't approve of the pills at all. Apparently weed is okay because you can't overdose on it.

I just wish I would've listened to him sooner.

***

I knew the day was going to be bad as soon as I woke up that Thursday morning.

I hadn't seen Charlie in a month and two days.

But that particular morning, I heard him shuffling around downstairs.

I shot out of bed and put my ear to the door, my breath shaky and fast. I could hear him doing something in the kitchen, the sound of cabinets opening and closing reverberating the walls.

I got dressed for school as fast as I could. If he was up and about this morning, I didn't want to be in the same house as him.

I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter and tossed them into my waiting book bag. I tied up my shoes and jumped to my feet. I could still hear Charlie downstairs. My hands were shaky as I brushed my hair back into a ponytail. If we were about to get into it, I didn't want him grabbing my hair as leverage.

I heard him walk into the living room, turn on the television and pull out the recliner on his chair. Finally, I heard the sound of his Southern Comfort lid hit the coffee table with a hollow sound.

I had to leave. Fast.

But first things first.

I grabbed the orange bottle that held my Oxy's. I opened the bottle and dumped one out into my hand.

This is where I made a mistake. I paused.

I started thinking about being numb and how I didn't want to feel. Charlie was just downstairs. I wanted it to kick in fast and I didn't want to be able to feel anything if shit started. I was tired of the pain. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted him to treat me like a rag doll without feeling the blood pound in my ears and the bones crunching beneath his knuckles. I wanted to be numb. Empty.

So I shook two pills from the bottle. I'd only been taking a whole pill for about two days, and fractions of them for over a month, but I figured my tolerance was up to the task. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel free. I wanted to feel nothing.

I swallowed the pills dry, easing them down my throat with my saliva.

I couldn't feel anything yet, not that I expected to. I felt the anticipation of the high to come though.

I slung my bag onto my shoulder and laid my hand on the doorknob, listening for any sounds below.

Then I heard it.

Charlie was snoring, passed out in his chair.

I let out a gust of air and wrenched open the door, flying down the steps as quietly and quickly as I could. I glanced into the living room as I passed and noticed Charlie's head thrown back in slumber.

I kept going, not wanting to chance him waking, and grabbed my keys by the door. I made it to my truck in one piece, so I kept going.

I started my truck and was on the road in seconds.

I made it past him without incident but I couldn't stay optimistic for long. The churning in my stomach was getting worse. I was leaving the eye of the storm and entering hell. I just didn't know it at the time.

As I was driving to school, the pills started to kick in. My vision was getting pretty blurry. I've had vision problems while inebriated but it was never this bad. I felt like a drunk driver.

I shook my head to try to clear it and squeezed my eyes shut before wrenching them back open twice as wide. I wasn't feeling so good.

I mean, yeah, I was feeling pretty toasted and numb, but there was something different about this.

I was all over the road before I finally made it to school. I parked a few spaces back from where Edward usually parked but his space was empty, just like most of the lot. I must've rushed this morning and made it early.

My head started feeling heavy and it started drooping to the front like I was sleepy but I was far from it. I felt sick. I started feeling clausterphobic in the small cab of my truck, so I got out and decided to smoke a cigarette on the bed while I waited for Edward and the gang.

As I jumped from my truck, my knees gave out and I had to catch myself on the door. I shook my head again as I tried to stand the rest of the way up. Something was definitely wrong.

I've been high countless times but this was nothing like before. The feelings were too strong, to concentrated. My body felt heavier than I was used to. My mind was foggier, hazier. I was sure I wouldn't be able to walk straight, let alone talk normal.

I shut the door and used the side of the truck to guide my way to the back. My legs were wobbly and I felt like I was going to fall on my face at any moment.

I made it to the end of the truck and threw the tail gate down before practically throwing myself onto it. I pulled my cigarettes from my bag and lit one with a shakey hand, trying to calm my nerves. I thought about smoking a joint but that would only make my incoherency worse. I inhaled the smoke and blew it out quickly.

I was so fucked up. I felt like I was drunk on a fifth of cheap vodka, smoked three fat jays and popped an entire script of pills. All from two Oxy's.

I rested my elbow onto my knee and leaned my head into the palm of my right hand, holding my cigarette with the same.

I sat there, smoking my cigarette and felt my body start to sway. First, from side to side, before making its way into a full circle. My vision was getting more clouded and my stomach was churning in disagreement. I knew I was about to toss my cookies.

I jumped off the tailgate, losing my cig on the way. Bad idea. I crashed to the ground face first. Forget catching myself; my reflexes were shit right now.

My body felt heavy and I didn't want to move. It felt too good not to move. I didn't have to worry about forcing my muscles to do anything. I could just lie here on the cold pavement and relax every muscle in my body. I felt like a pudding cup slathered onto the cement.

Suddenly, the nausea overcame the will to be still. I could feel it working its way up. I dragged myself to all fours and crawled to the bushes at the edge of the lot. I didn't even think about anyone seeing me. I was too out of it. I wasn't here anymore. I was a shell of empty numbness. This time it was from the drugs though.

I made to the bushes just as the dry heaves hit. I hadn't eaten last night or this morning, so the only thing in my stomach was the pills. Nothing came up. I coughed, gagged and heaved, but nothing dispelled itself.

I don't know how long I was there, but suddenly I wasn't alone.

I could hear people talking. I could hear something high pitch and bell like, and another lower, smoother voice. I couldn't make out what they were saying. I felt like Charlie Brown when his teacher was talking but all I heard was 'Wah Wah Wah WahWah'.

Someone was pulling me into their lap and brushing my wet cheeks. I didn't know I was crying. It was probably from the dry heaves. I didn't cry. I felt too good to cry. I felt nothing.

Except the heaviness draped over my body like a lead weight and the tightness of my chest. My heart was beating like a humming birds wings but I couldn't hear the blood in my ears.

My vision was too fucked up to see straight. I felt myself slipping away. The heaviness was easing its way closer to me, slithering its way into my body, taking away all feeling. I could feel myself lifting away from my body. The tightness in my chest started to fade as blackness started creeping up my toes. I was pretty sure I was about to pass out. That was okay though. I needed to sleep this shit off.

The 'Wah Wah' voices started getting more frantic. I don't know what they were feaking out about. My chest felt heavy and so did my eyelids. I was just going to sleep a little. I needed to sleep off this high.

I was hurting. My chest and head felt like they were about to explode. Weren't pills supposed to make you feel good?

I couldn't hold off anymore. The blackness was creeping up my chest and working its way to my head. I snuggled into the amazing, warm feeling holding me and let my eyes flutter close.

That was the last thing I remember.

***

**EPOV**

I was late.

My alarm goes off every weekday morning at 6:45. Piece of shit didn't go off this morning. I keep telling Mom I need a new one but she always says it's perfectly fine.

_Bullshit._

I got ready in record time. For the first time in my life, I was glad my hair was a wicked mess of shit.

I threw on jeans and a light blue button up. I rolled up the sleeves to my elbows and shoved my feet into some Air Forces.

I was on the road in minutes. I pulled a joint out of my cigarette pack and lit it, inhaling the smoke.

I fucking love Mary Jane. She runs smooth down my throat and soothes my body to a peaceful calm.

MJ is all I fuck with. I don't hit lines or anything. That shit is just stupid. Weed calms you, makes you feel good and happy. Lines fuck with your body and can kill you if you aren't careful. That's what I keep telling Bella. She hits lines of anything she can get her hands on. I try to tell her to stop, but she won't listen for shit.

Bella and I have become really close over the past two months. Ever since her little comatose episode she sort of snapped out of it and decided to let the chips fall where they may. I'm glad too. She's become my best friend. We goof off in class and are spending every weekend at each others side. Of course, the sexual tension is always present. How could it not be? The electric tingles I feel when she's around practically bring me to my knees.

But I know shit like that can't happen until she decides she can trust me.

She's holding back and I know it. She won't tell me about Charlie hitting her. I know she's scared, fuck, I was too when I was living in Chicago. My father beat my Mother on a daily bases. I never potected her though. I knew what was happening and never stopped it. I just sat around and waited to get old enough to have a turn with my father beating the shit out of me.

I'll never forgive myself.

That's why this shit with her is fucking with me. I can protect her now. I can help her and she refuses to let me. It's killing me. Her eyes shine when we're spending time together but there is always something there. A dullness in the sparkle. Her fucking father put that there and I'll be damned if I don't figure out a way to take that shit out.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I pulled into the parking lot at school. It was practically full, but I saw Alice's tiny form hop out of her own car just as I pulled into my spot. I noticed Bella's clunker a few spots down but it was empty.

I shut the car off and got out, locking it behind me. Fuckers can't be trusted.

Suddenly, I heard someone coughing and hacking in the bushes near Bella's truck. It sounded awful. Dry heaves were filling the air and it almost made me chuck.

Alice and I locked eyes and hurried our way to the back of Bella's truck.

There she was in all her chestnut haired glory, on all fours, head in the bushes, dry heaving her cute little head off.

Except she didn't look so good right now.

"Bella?!" I ran to her and pulled her head out of the leaves, cradling her into my lap.

I sobered up really quick.

She was gasping for air like she couldn't breathe and her body was trembling. She had tears pouring down her heart shaped face. She was pale and looked on the verge of death. For some reason, I didn't think that was far off.

"Edward, what's wrong with her?!" Alice asked, frantic, clasping her hands in front of her mouth.

I shook my head. I had no fucking clue but we needed to get her to a hospital.

"Bella? Can you hear me? What did you take?" I didn't know what pills she took, but I know she took them. It pissed me off too much to go into detail about it with her.

Her eyelids started to flutter closed.

"Bella, love, you have to stay awake! You can't go to sleep yet. You have to tell me what you took, love," I was starting to freak out. But I knew I needed to stay calm for my girl.

_My girl?_

_Fuck off. Now isn't the time._

"Edward, we have to get her to a hospital!" Alice said, pulling out her phone and no doubt calling my father.

"Bella, what the fuck were you thinking, love? What the fuck did you do? I could've taken the pain away. I will take the pain away."

I stood up with Bella in my arms and rushed to my Volvo.

Bella's breathing was still quick, but she was looking more pale and starting to sweat.

My girl had to be okay.

She just had to.

* * *

_I'm sick_

_And tired_

_Of embracing reflections of past time_

_Receive me or cast me away_

_God please take me away_

_Resistance_

_Futile_

_Suicidal ideas_

_I will crucify my own being_

_Satisfy selfish needs fuck deities_

_Justify my own right to what's waiting for me_

**Death Blooms - Mudvayne**

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**A/N: **So there it is. A few questions answered, a few more popped up, eh?

Another cliffy. I'm horrible, right?

Yeah, you'll get over it soon (:

Want another chapter? Hit that little review button down there and let me know what you have floatin' in that mind of yours.

Until next time ;)


	14. The Good Left Undone

**A/N:** I have a kick ass beta who keeps my story straight and not letting me insert crazy shit that just doesn't make any sense. Thanks _aecarlso_. You rock my socks chica!

So here's the newest addition to the little chaos I like to call my story.

I don't even have to say it. You already know it.

* * *

_In fields where nothing grew but weeds,_

_I found a flower at my feet,_

_Bending there in my direction,_

_I wrapped a hand around its stem,_

_I pulled until the roots gave in,_

_Finding there what I'd been missing,_

_But I know…_

_So I tell myself, I tell myself it's wrong._

_There's a point we pass from which we can't return._

_I felt the cold rain of the coming storm._

_All because of you,_

_I haven't slept in so long._

_When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,_

_Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,_

_I'll follow your voice,_

_All you have to do is shout it out._

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**BPOV**

I felt weak. Not the kind of weak where you've just ran a marathon and collapse due to loss of energy. No, I felt like my body had been completely drained of all life. It hurt to breathe, and my throat felt as if someone had taken sandpaper to it. My head felt heavy and my heart was pounding in my chest. I was too weak to lift my eyelids to find out where I was at and why it felt like something was attached to my finger.

I heard a shuffling noise to my side and suddenly had a burst of energy that was just enough to get my eyelids open. If Charlie was in my room, I was in deep shit. He never came in my room and when he did, there was hell to pay. I couldn't remember why there'd be hell to pay until the previous events flooded through my head.

_Charlie awake, shuffling around beneath my feet._

_Panicing and swallowing two Oxycontins._

_Driving to school._

_Wobbling to the back of my truck._

_Falling off my truck._

I vauely remember crawling to some bushes, but other than that, nothing.

My eyes suddenly snapped open, and I wearily took in the form next me.

I momentarily paniced before I realized it was only Edward.

He was looking out the window beside my bed and it was then that I realized I was in a fucking hospital! How the hell did I get here! Where's Charlie? Oh, shit! Charlie! He's been boiling under the surface and silent for two months and now I'm in the hospital from taking pills. This was not going to go well. I'd be lucky to make it out alive.

My heart monitor registered the change in tempo and started beeping faster, alerting Edward and causing his head to whip in my direction.

"Bella! Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water? A nurse? You need a nurse, don't you? Just don't move, love. I'll get one for you, okay?" he rambled, obviously concerned.

"Edward, stop," I said, my voice sounded hoarse and scratchy. It hurt to talk but I pushed on, determined to get some answers. "What the hell is going on?"

He blew out a breath before asking what I remembered.

I told him the vague story I recalled and asked him to fill in the peices. I wasn't even sure when or what day it was. Day, night, today, tomorrow?

Before he could answer, the door opened and a nurse walked in to check my vitals. I sat there silently, confused and wanting to get some answers while she prodded around like Mary fucking Sunshine.

Bitch.

She smiled at me and told me my doctor would be in to speak with me and Edward would need to leave in fifteen minutes.

We both nodded and she finally fled the scene.

I turned back to Edward and raised an expectant brow.

"You fucking overdosed Bella. I found you with your head buried in some bushes, your body trying to get rid of those fucking pills. I put you in my car and drove to the hospital. I don't know too much, but from what my father told me, they pumped your stomache just in time. Bella, you could've died! What the fuck were you thinking?!" he was yelling by the end of his statement.

I was fuming.

Who the fuck does he thinks he is? Sure, he was Edward Cullen, my best friend and all around rock, but seriously dude. What. The. Fuck.

My energy was back full force from the adrenaline of my anger. He was my best friend but he didn't know shit about the real life I led. He was friends with Bella Swan, stoner with a great sense of humor, mediocre grades that are forced to be no higher than a 'B' and always smiles in the presence of others. He had no idea of the mask I wore. He didn't fucking know me. No one did.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, Edward? Don't you dare sit there and question my actions and don't you dare look at me with judgement in your eyes. You have no fucking right. You don't even know me." My voice was still scratchy and hoarse but that did not deter me in the slightest. I had so much pent up bullshit on my shoulders that needed to be out in the open once and for-fucking-all.

Edward narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips into a thin line. His eyes roared with anger that could've given mine a run for its money.

When pigs could fucking fly.

"You think I don't know you? That's bullshit. I know you way better than you know yourself." I scoffed at that statement and it ached my throat a bit more. Edward continued his declaration to know me. "You may have everyone fooled into believing the pot head Bella at school is the real you, but I see through that shit. It's all smoke and mirrors. The Bella at school with the big smiles and crude jokes, the B+ on her paper and linking arms with Alice while skipping off to the parking lot to get high? Everyone else sees that girl, but not me. I know the real you. I've seen her. And she's fucking scared shitless. The real you is a scared little girl who cowars around every corner just fucking waiting for someone to grab her from behind. I see the pain in your eyes Bella. You smoke because it takes you somewhere else and you snort lines to take it even further. You think just because you're fucking high you won't be able to feel him beat the shit out of you? That's bullshit. You'll feel it and it will be a million times worse because the drugs in your system won't take away the pain, they will just take away the memory. The pain will be there and it will never go the fuck away. I see how scared and hurt you are, Bella. I know the real you. So don't fucking sit there and act like I only know the girl that goes to Forks High School because we both know that's bullshit."

I was speecheless. What just happened? Was Edward sitting here calling me out on my shit? Was he sitting here telling me that he knew what happened behing closed doors, even though I hadn't said anything about it? I thought I'd been so good at keeping up a front. I thought I'd had it down to a T. Apparently not. Apparently my mask was as fucking transparent as the wind.

Something else inside that rant made my chest ache. It made my eyes well up with tears and my chest constrict painfully. Because he was right. He was so fucking right. I was weak. I was scared and hid behind the drugs I inserted into my system on a day to day basis. Charlie had taken my life on the outside and I was only helping him by doing it on the inside. I was taking away the remembrance of his blows and kicks with the pills I took, but the memories were fucking etched into my brain. I relived them in my nightmares and felt the scars on my skin. That shit wouldn't go away.

But there was one thing he didn't understand. I fucking needed those drugs. I couldn't survive without them. They kept me alive, as contradictive as that sounds. If I didn't have those little moments, those lapses in reality, I would've fucking offed myself years ago. If I had to live through my life without escaping it in the smallest increments, I'm not sure how long my time on this shit hole would've been or be. I couldn't handle life if I couldn't get away from it. He had no fucking idea what I'd been through. He could sit there and guess what it would be like to have a lighter held under your hand, feeling the heat burn your skin, as a way to teach you not to play with matches, but he'd never feel the fire.

"Fuck you, Edward." He looked taken aback by my outburst but he was about to understand what it was for. I felt something tickle my cheek and reached for it, feeling wetness. I was fucking crying for the first time in ten years. That only added fuel to the fire.

"You have no fucking clue what my life is like. You don't know the shit I've been put through. Do you know what it's like to look up to your father growing up, follow him around like a second shadow, only to get old enough to comprehend the fact that the man you honored, the man you looked up to and aspired to be was a monter? An abuser and a drunk? Do you know the shit it does to you, finding out that your hero beats his family for kicks? That shit fucks with your mind, Edward. It fucks with your head and fucks you up in general. You can't recover from that shit. Either you live your life carrying the burdens of your past, letting your demons haunt you and continue to rule your life and fuck you up, or you grow to be just like them. There's no avoiding it. The shit embeds itself into your brain at such a young age, watcing your role model transorm into a demon, your fucked from then on out. You're doomed from the beginning. Seeing your protector and guidence show you where your life is headed? There's no way out. You're trapped and you always will be." I took a breath to try and soothe my soar throat but to no avail. I was a blubbering mess. Ten years of dry eyes and silence all came pouring out of me in front of the wild eyes of my best friend.

"That's why I take those pills. I fucking have to, Edward. I need that escape. I need to get away from my life and be able to breathe for once. To feel free and feel like nothing is holding me down. I get that from those drugs. Yeah, I fucked up and I can admit that. But don't fucking talk to me like a child. I know what those pills do to me and I thrive for that feeling. I live for the escape. So don't even fucking try to take that away from me."

Edward sat there, his sparkling green eyes boring into my own. He looked shocked into silence before looking angry. No, not angry, he looked fucking furious. Like a lion ready to rip off another lions head for taking his food. Only this situation was much, much different.

"You don't know shit, Bella. You know nothing about my past or what the fuck I've been through, so before you know the facts, don't sit there and lecture me about how I don't know what you're going through. I've watched my father beat my mother into a bloody pulp until she was unrecognizable. I know what it feels like to get socked by your own father and hear the crunching of bones in your ears as your jaw breaks. I know a fucking shitload more than you think I do. So don't sit there and pretend you're all alone in that fucked up world you live in, because you aren't."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I understand trying to tell someone you understand and you're there for them, but fucking lying about shit just to make me feel better? Oh hell to the no.

"Carlisle would never fucking hi-" I never got that far though. Edward cut me off and what he said changed everything I thought I knew.

"Carlisle isn't my real Dad, Bella. I'm adopted."

That shut me up real quick.

"I was born in Chicago. My last name was Masen, I changed it to Cullen when I got adopted not wanting any attatchments to the family I once had. My father is Edward Senior and my mother was Elizabeth," he paused to take a breath and I had to interrupt because in that statement, something stood out prominitaly.

"Wait. Is Edward Senior, and was Elizabeth?"

He nodded, but as soon as he was about to speak, the door to my room flew open and Dr. Carlisle Cullen walked in. He looked at my distressed state and then to Edward.

"Son, I think you need to head home. I need to speak with Miss Swan in private and visiting hours are over."

Edward nodded and stood to leave. I didn't want him to leave. I still had so many questions that needed answers. What happened in Chicago? Where was his father? What happened to his Mom? Did everyone know he was adopted?

I wouldn't get those answers tonight though. Edward leaned over my bed and whispered a goodbye before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. My skin tingled where his lips touched and I yearned for them to stay there forever. I don't know where the feeling came from but I welcomed it with open arms. As he pulled away and started walking to the door, I realized that after Dr. Cullen was done talking to me, I'd be alone. I'd be all by myself and I had no drugs to keep me sane. There was no way they'd give me drugs here because I wasn't in here for something akin to pain. I was thoroughly fucked.

"Bella, how are you feeling?" Dr. Cullen asked after the door clicked shut with Edwards exit.

I've met Dr. Cullen a few times at Edward's house and he was a pretty cool dude that was easy on the eyes. He always insisted I call him Carlisle but that just didn't seem right. I didn't feel comfortable calling a grown man I barely knew by his first name.

"I feel fine. My throat hurts and I'm thirsty, but other than that I feel fine," I answered. He nodded and jotted something down in the file he was holding. I asked the more important question, "When am I being sent home?"

Dr. Cullen stopped writting and looked at me with what looked like pity, concern and sadness. All such negative things I started getting concerned myself. He walked to the edge of my bed to the chair where Edward was previously sitting and sat down.

"Bella, I'm here to talk to you about your condition and what's to follow this hospital visit, okay?" I nodded, so he continued. "You were brought here yesterday due to an overdose of Oxycontin. The Baker Act was inforced and we pumped your stomach just in time to get the pills out of your system before it was entirely too late. Your body was already shutting down, attempting to protect itself from the toxins, which is why you were unconsious at arrival."

I didn't know what the fuck the Baker Act was but I didn't ask either. I'm sure whatever it pretained to was medical and wouldn't make a difference to me whether I knew the definition or not. I wasn't here for a fucking history lesson.

"You will have to be kept over night so you can be watched and we can make sure you're stable and can make it through without any difficulties."

I nodded. I could make it a night. It would probably be welcomed. Not having to stay at home and worry about Charlie for a night? Right on. Shit was going to be brutal when we finally came face to face. I needed to prolong it as long as possible.

I looked at Dr. Cullen then and noticed he looked incredibly nervous. I couldn't help but wonder why he would be nervous telling me an update about my OD fiasco but when he spoke again, it was plain as day as to why he was on edge.

"Bella, due to your position with the overdose, you will have to be taken to Fairfax Hospital located in Kirkland just outside of Seattle. They have a new program that works with detoxing and addictions. ARS works with people of all ages and they have services that include Alcohol and Drug Information School and a Relapse Prevention Program. You will attend both while you are there and also attend their alternative school, since you will be missing classes while you're staying there. This is not optional and you will be heading there tomorrow after you leave here. Due to the Baker Act, we are permitted to attend to you medically and involuntarily take you to Fairfax for recovery on from drug addictions. You need help, Bella. And you're going to get it."

I laughed. I fucking looked right in his steel blue eyes, threw my head back and laughed my ass off.

Who the fuck was this guy? He honestly thought I would willingly attend some psyche ward to 'heal me' and 'get rid of my inner demons'? Ha! I've read all about hospitals like this. Renee wanted to find one for Charlie way back when and I helped check out the phamplets to find the best one. Charlie never went of course. But seriously? Dude thought I was going to commit myself? That was laughable. That's what I did, too. I laughed in his fucking pretty little face.

"Fuck, doc. That's funny." I calmed myself down and looked at him with as much seriousness as a heart attack. "I'm not going to a fucking mental hospital. I'm not going anywhere." I crossed my arms defiantly like a petulant child. I didn't care. I needed him to see that this shit was final. I wasn't budging.

"Did you not here me, Miss Swan? This isn't optional. Either you go calmly or you can put up a fight, but no matter which path you choose, tomorrow night, you will be checking into Fairfax Hospital. If you decide to put up a fight, a police escort will be assigned to you." He stood and made his way to the door. "Get a good nights rest, Bella. I'm sure you're going to need it."

With that, he shut the door calmly and quietly.

Now this is where you expected me to scream and throw things and try to escape the hospital, right? Wrong. I surprised myself with my reaction.

I cried.

I curled into a little ball and bawled my eyes out like Niagra Falls.

I couldn't go to that hospital. I just couldn't. They would take away my freedom, my escape. My drugs. They would get rid of the only thing that kept me alive. I would stay there for however long and they'd push me back into the world and throw me into Charlie's arms. I wouldn't have pills to take away the pain or the memory. I wouldn't have an escape from reality. I couldn't do this. I wouldn't survive without my shit. That's like taking the only life jacket from someone in the middle of the ocean, taking away the only thing that kept them afloat. The only thing causing them to push on and search for dry land.

I was going to drown.

I wouldn't be able to make it through the days without a small escape from my life. How could they do this to me? I make one mistake and they take away my only semblance of sanity? They can't do this to me! I could fix myself! I wouldn't take two Oxy's anymore! I would take other pills that weren't as strong. I could do so many things. They just couldn't take away my escape. They just couldn't.

I didn't know what to do. Dr. Cullen had told me it wasn't optional. That even if I put up a fight I would be going, with or without a police escort. I hated cops. They ignored what was right in front of their faces. I'd called the cops on Charlie a few times when Renee got too battered but they always said they couldn't do anything unless Renee got a restraining order and she was too afraid to do that. I hadn't trusted cops in years.

I couldn't go to Fairfax.

I started thinking about how I got here and couldn't help but be morbidly pissed at Edward. It was his fault I was here! He found me and took me straight to the one place I never wanted to be! He knew bringing me here would make things worse! If he knew how Charlie was, he knew what would come of this but he did it anyways! He practically fucking threw me to the wolves! This was all his fucking fault!

I sighed diligintly and wiped another tear from my cheek. Maybe I did need to go to Fairfax because I was obviously losing my damn mind. It wasn't Edwards fault and it wasn't Dr. Cullens fault. It was mine. I could blame and point fingers until I was blue in the face but that didn't change things. I took the pills. I overdosed. I was the irresponsible user. Edward didn't shove the pills down my throat and he didn't tell me to take so many. He always told me to stop taking pills and hitting lines but I never listened. He tried to help me and I pushed him away every time. I felt shitty. He knew what was going on at home and he knew what I was doing. He tried to help me escape in a different way; by talking about it with someone whos been there. But I wouldn't listen. I plugged my ears and turned my head, shoveling more toxins into my system.

I needed this. The first step is always admitting you have a problem, right? Well looks like I'm already ahead of the game.

I lied in the hospital bed crying all my saved up tears until my eyes ran dry and my cheeks were still with stains. I fell asleep curled into myself and knowing that tomorrow, my entire life as I knew it was about to change.

I told myself it was for the better.

But when I walked in the door after coming home from the hospital to pack clothes for Fairfax, I knew it was for the worse.

For there, in the living room, Southern Comfort in one hand, a handgun in the other, was my father. And he looked entirely too calm.

I may not have to go to the hospital after all.

* * *

_Inside my hands these petals browned,_

_Dried up, fallen to the ground_

_But it was already too late now._

_I pushed my fingers through the earth,_

_Returned this flower to the dirt,_

_So it could live. I walked away now._

_But I know…_

_Not a day goes by that I don't feel this burn._

_There's a point we pass from which we can't return._

_I felt the cold rain of the coming storm._

_All because of you,_

_I haven't slept in so long,_

_When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean,_

_Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down,_

_I'll follow your voice,_

_All you have to do is shout it out._

**Rise Against - The Good Left Undone**

* * *

**A/N:** So I researched The Baker Act and the Fairfax Hospital, both are real, I didn't make them up.

I did my best with the research and writing everything I could and explain it to the best of my ability but I know I came up short. I hope everyone got the gist of things though.

Next chapter up soon, I hope.

I don't think there will be many more chapters in this story left. I'll let you know when I get closer to knowing how many chapters will remain.

Last chapter only got a handful of reviews. I'm disappointed ):

Hopefully you readers can redeem yourselves this time?

Go ahead, click the button, type a few words and you're done!

Humor me.


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